crush depth

252

2010-01-01T22:50:00.002-06:00

1,000,000,000 seconds later...

253

2009-10-09T03:01:00.002-05:00

eventually, we all hitch a ride on an ambulance, whether its to a hospital, humus, heaven or hell.

254

2009-08-12T00:48:00.004-05:00

if you fuckin' sucked slightly more, your name would be latroy hawkins.

and listen, you fucker: only david weathers has a more retarded windup.

fuck you, you fuck.

EDIT: I'm using capital letters because this is very, very important.

Go away, Gregg.

We all just want you to go the fuck home.

255

2009-08-06T21:11:00.002-05:00

thanks for breakfast, a vacation, a day off, a day alone, a party, a buck, a science lesson and some unforgettable rides.

february 18th, 1950 - august 6th, 2009.

256

2009-07-25T23:05:00.005-05:00

henry "harry" john patch, the last world war one veteran born in the nineteenth century, died today at the age of 111.

he was the last tommy, the last wwi veteran to have engaged in trench warfare and the last wwi soldier to have been wounded in action.

requiescat in pace.

june 17th, 1898 - july 25th, 2009.

...and then there were three.

257

2009-07-23T01:57:00.002-05:00

john henry foster babcock, or, if you will, "jack," joined the canadian expeditionary force in 1916 but never saw wwi action on account of his young age. however, those of us who know a thing or two about history will note that the war didnt end until 1918.

as such, 109 years later, he stands as one of four surviving world war one veterans.

happy birthday, jack.

july 23rd, 1900 -

258

2009-07-18T22:38:00.003-05:00

i think ill miss you most of all, hank; rest in peace.

june 6th, 1896 - july 18th, 2009.

...and then there were four.

259

2009-07-03T20:42:00.003-05:00

so now then:

thats 70 kilograms.

thats 147.5 kilograms.

i have no idea what a kilogram is but id be willing to bet theres a conversion chart out there somewhere.

at one of these meets my physiology and psychology will converge and ill throw the fuckin hammer down; for now im happy to have denied gravity with a pair of competitive bests.

my compliments to the lady luck jamrock for the wicked footage.

260

2009-06-19T23:15:00.005-05:00

41,259 days later, a mere fourteen days after celebrating his 113th birthday, henry allingham has assumed the magnificent role of the worlds oldest man following todays death of japans tomoji tanabe.

guinness says so.

just look at him valiantly flash the devil horns for your viewing pleasure. dont fuck with hank; he wont hesitate for so much as a femtosecond to get all 19th century on your ass.

and let us note that his gums still look better than that of any other briton on the planet.

congratulations, you spiffy studmuffin.

261

2009-06-18T01:57:00.003-05:00

happy 111th, harry.

henry john "harry" patch joined the british army in 1916; he participated in trench warfare and is the sole surviving human being to have been wounded in the first world war.

his name was also the latest to be released from major league baseballs list of those who tested positive in 2003 for use of performance enhancing drugs, or, as harry called it, "the sauce."

june 17th, 1898 -

262

2009-06-15T02:15:00.004-05:00

crush depth always finds it amusing when major newspapers make major typographical errors.

this one happens to be hilarious, although the savvy amongst you wont stop at the first line if you wish to experience a delicious dopamine doubletake.

263

2009-06-06T23:26:00.003-05:00

3,563,568,000 seconds later...

happy 113th, henry; the man who credits his longevity to cigarettes, whiskey, and wild women didnt begin serving at the tail end of the war. henry william allingham joined the british royal air force in august of nineteen fucking fifteen.

he was already nineteen years old.

in case youre wondering henry is currently the thirteenth oldest person in the world and the second oldest man; tomoji tanabi of japan is 261 days his senior. crush depth thinks that not too many people in human history can claim to have not only been alive for three distinct centuries but also be old enough to have a memory or two of the first.

telomeres aint got shit on you, hank.

june 6th, 1896 -

264

2009-06-05T21:12:00.003-05:00

1936 - 2009.

one night in bangkok makes a hard man humble.

265

2009-06-02T23:51:00.004-05:00

march 11, 1899 - june 3, 2009.

john "jack" campbell ross, the sole remaining australian world war i veteran, died as he slept at one hundred and ten years old.

...and then there were five.

266

2009-05-28T18:22:00.001-05:00

i walked into my fathers office and overheard him ask someone on the telephone "so just the gay lesbians?"

i walked out of my fathers office.

267

2009-05-17T23:57:00.001-05:00

977,616,000 seconds later...

268

2009-04-07T01:27:00.007-05:00

the advertisement you see above was published in the chicago sun-times.

it was not, mind you, published in the bookend pages of this months edition of swank.

i knew i was in for a summers day in the hammock when i read the very first fucking sentence:

"without the right diagnosis, your doctor may be treating your."

are you fucking kidding me? is it a fucking cliffhanger? is the suspense that fucking palpable?

its the opening. fucking. line.

well, in any event, the grammatical abomination piqued my curiosity so i decided to do what i always do when i see written feces and scour the remainder of the scripted sodomy for more outlandish mistakes.

apparently, one of the sixteen signals of pinched nerves is "aching fe."

i dont know about you guys but ive never experienced any problems with sore iron; if you dont know what the fuck im talking about take a look at the periodic table.

if nothing else you can mention that you did at the dinner table.

i realize that the renaissance man who crafted this masterpiece inadvertently omitted the final two letters of the word "feet" but its an ad in the fucking chicago fucking sun fucking times.

spell check is free. the quarter-page ad aint.

then, in an effort to bring the house completely down, the author of this inhumanity continued to write "the computerized surface emgs can measures electrical activity in your muscles..."

yeah, thats right.

crush depth think dr. gerald helwig doesnt understands the intricacies of the english language too well.

oh, and by the way:

if your doctor accepts coupons i suggest you walk into the office with a pair of purple childrens scissors and cut the fucker out at the receptionists desk like a retarded eight year old cutting out pictures of hannah montana from the latest copy of teen beat.

what the fuck.

269

2009-03-11T00:24:00.003-05:00

march 11, 1899 -

happy 110th birthday, jack.

john "jack" campbell ross didnt see action but he joined the first australian imperial force as a wireless operator in february, 1918.

thats before the armistice date, my friends, thus making jack a bona fide wwi veteran.

of the seven remaining world war one veterans three are now at least one hundred and ten years old, or, for those of you who enjoy esoteric vocabulary words, supercentenarians.

our main man henry william allingham from england blows the candles out next on june 6th.

all 113 of 'em.

270

2009-02-01T22:10:00.002-06:00

frank woodruff buckles, the last known surviving doughboy, turned 108 years old today.

hes the second youngest of the seven remaining wwi servicemen worldwide.

curious as to what he looked like when he served our country ninety-fuckin-two years ago?

i wonder what it feels like to know youre the last person in the country who participated in a war whose centennial anniversary is a mere five years yonder.

happy 108th, frank.

february 1, 1901 -

271

2009-01-22T22:44:00.006-06:00

i think all violence in the world would completely cease to exist if everyone had a garb-el.

think about it.

friends-at-arms and enemies alike would be engaged in a violence-laden slugfest with teeth flying asunder, blood flowing like mothra's menses and bones crunching as if they were composed of compromised balsa wood; all of a sudden, in the midst of a kinisonesque diatribe, a sole, draconian combatant with a crispy ear would scream: "im gonna fuckin' kill you, you stupid, ugly, motherfu-- oh hey! look! the garb-el's startin' up!"

at which point everyone would immediately stop, wrap an arm around their worthy adversary and oooh and ahhh as they stared steadfastly while produce from all corners of the earth entered the metal-mouthed, mesmerizing, worm-screw abyss and oozed ever so purgatively into the whirring leviathan that is the garb-el.

...and peace would once again blanket the universe, one beet at a time.

272

2009-01-11T22:12:00.005-06:00

september 23, 1900 - january 10, 2009.

wwi and wwii vet bill stone; with a name like that he was destined to become one bad mushroom-cloud-laying motherfucker, motherfucker.

...and then there were seven.

273

2008-12-29T00:08:00.003-06:00

i upped the ante by two and a half pounds.

274

2008-11-27T17:25:00.002-06:00

april 20, 1893 - november 26, 2008.

the verifiably oldest human on earth, edna parker of indiana, has been laid to rest; she was less than five months shy of one hundred and sixteen years old.

maria de jesus of portugal becomes the last person in the world who was born in 1893.

275

2008-11-19T23:00:00.001-06:00

fernand goux of france has been laid to rest one hundred and eight years later:

...and then there were nine.

276

2008-11-17T19:07:00.003-06:00

its my half-birthday once again and that can only mean one thing:

fucked-up perspective photos.

962,744,316...

277

2008-11-15T15:33:00.007-06:00

when i said two years i meant three weeks:

i now hold the illinois state record for strict curls in the submaster pure, 220 pound weight class.

the flat press has always been my favorite lift despite being my weakest.

i slept like shit, i was starving to death and the federation doesnt allow so much as caffeine to aid in performance.

i shouldve gone higher than 315, but hey, what the fuck, i did it the right way.

thanks to mom, dad, my lady luck jamrock and her awesome ten-year-old son and kubrickesque cameraman justin. nice job, buddy.

time to move up.

278

2008-11-06T01:28:00.001-06:00

...and then there were ten.

279

2008-11-03T00:50:00.002-06:00

theres a certain unease humans have when the kleenex box seems to be running out of ammo even while ripping off sheet after sheet.

weve all been there.

280

2008-11-01T22:28:00.012-05:00

my annual work review has been inked, and boy, let me tell you, i really fucking care.

a lot.

and by the way, you fuckers, theres no such word as "alot."

it doesnt fucking exist.

i dont know why so many otherwise well-versed individuals have incorporated this grammatical atrocity into their literary vernacular but the fucking fact remains that when you want to express "a lot" then you fucking write "a lot."

alright; the following is a verbatim reproduction of how my cocksucker boss views my contributions as an employee of a motherfucking grocery store.

ten "skills" are listed and defined within ten large rectangles with a subsequent "rating" in a decidedly kindergartenesque box immediately adjacent; i might add my own comments as a pressure valve of sorts, or, as it were, just befuckingcuz.

skill: customer service; pleasantly greets and makes eye contact with customers. listens attentively to their needs and responds appropriately. rating: outstanding.

im not sure what planet my boss calls home but i listen about as attentively to customers as i listen to linoleum.

skill: job knowledge; possesses knowledge and skills necessary to perform the job, understands job requirements and department store functions. rating: above expectations.

its nice to know that after fifteen fucking years i have still failed to ascertain an outstanding understanding of a fucking conglomeration of apples. maybe next year.

skill: quality of work; makes consistent effort to listen, understand and perform tasks required by the job or manager. is accurate and thorough in performing tasks. rating: outstanding.

how ironic. anytime you begin a sentence with the word "is" without a bookend question mark then it aint so fucking thorough, is not it?

then again, our company is staffed by retarded people who are so retarded that even retarded people recognized that they were retarded and cast them to the sodomites.

skill: dependability; is prompt when arriving at work, breaks and lunches, and in ending their shift. rating: meets expectations.

I havent missed a day of work in seven years. i havent punched in late since the 90s.

yeah, i guess thats average.

skill: appearance; arrives for work appropriately dressed. uniform and name badge worn. complies with all appearance standards. rating: meets expectations.

i absolutely deserve that rating without so much as a five o' clock shadow of doubt.

skill: motivation/ initiative; eager to seek increased responsibility, self-starter, recognizes the need for action and reacts appropriately. conveys a sense of urgency. rating: above expectations.

what conveys a sense of urgency like kiwi? i mean fuckin-a, man! look at all those seeds!

skill: teamwork/cooperation; ability to work with others in a manner that benefits all. rating: above expectations.

skill: training; ability to learn, use and apply knowledge gained. rating: meets expectations.

read: apples.

skill: involvement; enjoys the demands of the job. works at the level required of their position. rating: above expectations.

id have to disagree there; i really dont enjoy the demands of the job most likely because there arent any.

skill: loss prevention; understands shrink. is proactive in reducing shrink. rating: meets expectations.

its quite possible that yakov smirnoff authored these awesomely articulate "associate performance and development" review worksheets. i included some alliteration in the preceding sentence for those of you who find strength in such endeavors.

and now for the spicy, juicy, candid, scribed portion of the review:

strengths: "jeff exceeds all expectations of a part-time farmstand clerk. jeffs knowledge of the produce business in general and many of the managerial functions is impressive. jeffs quality and quantity of work that he gets done is outstanding. one of jeffs greatest strengths is in the way that he helps customers. another strength is in the manner in which jeff identifies and solves any problems that may arise."

my boss may not be no english professarian but ill be damned if he wasnt whupped silly with the name-writin' talent stick.

improvement opportunities: "i would like to see jeff share his knowledge and experience with newer farmstand associates."

i would like to see a bigger paycheck.

comments: "it is a pleasure to work with someone that takes great pride in their work like jeff obviously does. having jeff in the department is a huge asset. if jeff ever decided to go back into management he would get my recommendation."

to which i laughed aloud.

the denouement:

overall performance rating: above expectations.

overall potential rating: satisfactorily placed.

i would tell you where i satisfactorily placed this steaming pile of corporate excrement but this is a family oriented weblog.

thats more than ive pen-farted in a coons age, folks; i hope you enjoyed this ever so brief sabbatical.

alot.

281

2008-10-28T02:10:00.001-05:00

the y.m.c.a. dance is really fucking stupid.

c'mon.

its astonishingly, astoundingly bad and overrated.

someone had to say it.

282

2008-10-26T22:17:00.005-05:00

those of you who think that life unfolds as a series of destinations simply dont understand; the twists and turns that become the story of our lives are written in the crossroads.

such anecdotes, my friends, are the chapters you wish you could experience again for the first time.

283

2008-10-21T22:49:00.002-05:00

sometimes i open the easternmost window in my room, recline as far as i can in my black desk chair, inhale the rejuvenating autumn air and smile at the ceiling as i listen to the soothing onomatopoeia of a distant, midnight freighter rhythmically clanking weathered yet aesthetically appealing tracks.

im beginning to understand why people tend to become more and more satisfied with life as decades, years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds, picoseconds and femtoseconds march toward their inevitability.

yeah, i wish i could sleep a few more hours every day. sometimes my back doesnt want to cooperate with the rest of my body. i wish my wallet was a quarter-inch thicker. im weary of listening to people complain about overripe kiwi. id like to hear a few less blaring horns while im on the road.

but hey, most people in the world would snicker at such a list and offer to exchange their bag of woes in a new york minute.

so i smile.

__________________________________

ive long since attained the majority of my lifting goals save one; try as it might, i dont think my deoxyribonucleic acid knows how to write that script.

thats just the way it is.

i could cheat and take a ride on the anabolic whipsaw but it just aint my fucking style to do so.

so i wont.

instead, ive set my sights on the a.p.a.'s strict curl record in the submaster's 220 pound weight class; a gentleman by the name of mike peters currently holds the drug-tested record at 185 pounds.

if i can stay healthy for another two years that record will fall.

this ones for you, jamrock:

when the judge yells "rack" youll see the horns through the ethereal haze of triumphant chalk dust.

time to earn a place in the ledger.

284

2008-09-14T23:04:00.004-05:00

a week ago we were grinding our teeth wondering why everything seemed to be falling apart.

tonight, if only for a night, everything is nearly perfect.

outstanding, z.

out-fucking-standing.

285

2008-06-23T12:17:00.002-05:00

shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.

see you on the other side.

1937-2008.

286

2008-06-06T00:25:00.005-05:00

eleven verifiable world war one veterans continue to witness history unfold through their nearly supercentenarian eyes.

seven of the eleven actually served in combat; thats one per continent, my friends.

henry william allingham, the oldest surviving veteran whose visage appears above, turns 112 today. he represents the sole supercentenarian of the eleven but crush depth surmises that such status means little more than yesterdays newspaper to henry.

just to place his longevity into perspective consider that only one in one thousand individuals who attain 100 years of age - a feat in and of itself - will live to celebrate their 110th journey through the calendar.

happy birthday, henry.

june 6th, 1896 -

287

2008-05-26T02:25:00.002-05:00

i thought i was having a stroke when i started to lose vision in my left eye.

the ct scan and 4 mri exams yielded nothing out of the ordinary during the ten hours i spent in the emergency room; this afternoon, a doctor from the hospital called and instructed me to see a specific neurologist as soon as i could.

the pain behind my right eye wont dissipate. intravenous morphine didnt help. the fiorinal i was prescribed upon discharge might as well have been sand.

my genetically faulty aorta will only last so long.

ive never been afraid to die; now i can see the sunset looming in my eyes.

288

2008-05-24T01:26:00.003-05:00

sometimes i feel like i understand too much for my age; other times i sit for hours in front of a keyboard with fingers that know nothing.

my father pulled me aside a while ago and asked me if i was trying to reinvent myself. i knew what he meant but i asked him to explain what the fuck he was talking about if only to silently enjoy his cautiously worded response:

"well, youve covered yourself with tattoos. you usually have a beard despite how good you looked when you interviewed with the state police. your body size has doubled since you were in high school. i look at all these smaller things and see a bigger picture. it makes me think youre trying to become a different person."

i appreciate the steps my father has taken over the years to become a more personable individual. it took him the better part of thirty years but i think hes finally starting to comprehend the world as a dynamic, somewhat self-actualized individual rather than an outwardly emotionless, stoic, retired circuit court judge.

i do, however, think he misfired on his assessment of who i am and where i stand.

few people outside my close network of friends know that i even have a tattoo let alone a flowing tapestry that drapes my upper body. i always wear shirts that cover everything and i almost always decline requests to see the ink. i didnt have an emotionally dreadful childhood, i havent experienced a particularly traumatic event and i certainly dont consider myself to be on the fringe of society.

i simply enjoy the artwork.

people tend to either love beards or hate them. ive heard women say they dont like facial hair because they think the man is trying to hide something. i find it interesting that many of the same women wear copious amounts of patently strategic makeup.

i dont have much to say about beards but i will say this:

one hundred years ago my father would have pulled me aside and said "son, why dont you have a beard?"

my father wasnt exaggerating when he described my body size. when i entered my freshman year of high school i weighed a scant 130 pounds at a height of almost exactly six feet.

as i sit in this chair, sixteen years later, i find myself pushing 250 big ones according to the counterweight scale we have all seen at one time or another lurking in the doctors office. some of us hate scales, many of us find them exceedingly benign and yet others see a source of intrigue. i happen to fall into the last group.

yeah, im fucking overweight.

i can also push 350 pounds off my chest.

i come from the school of thought which mandates that humans should set outlandish goals and plow through them as if they were ether; if members of our species indefatigably brainstormed a viable process to safely place men on another celestial body then i have a duty to continuously push myself to the very brink of genetic potential.

anyone who claims they like everything about theirself is either a liar or someone who hasnt been in a situation in which the malevolence would manifest itself.

im extremely stubborn. i hate the sound of my voice. i have the wrists of an eight-year-old asian girl. im agoraphobic. im acrophobic. im a perfectionist. im argumentative. im pessimistic. i get nervous when i have to merge in heavy traffic. i have trouble speaking my mind without the aid of pharmaceuticals. i hate to admit that im wrong. i dont take criticism well. i freak out when i have to use utensils that have been in someone elses mouth.

anyone who claims they dislike everything about theirself is either a liar or someone who hasnt been in a situation in which the benevolence would manifest itself.

i have a strong sense of empathy. im compassionate. im trustworthy. im ethical. im a good advocate. i work hard. i can juggle cutlery.

so now then:

would i change anything if i had the opportunity to reinvent myself?

absolutely.

would i reinvent myself if i had the opportunity to change anything?

not for a second.

289

2008-05-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

946,080,000 seconds later...

290

2008-01-27T23:22:00.000-06:00

everyone likes a fried wonton for the big game but this platter probably tastes like shit.

291

2007-11-30T15:28:00.001-06:00

1938-2007.

292

2007-11-15T23:25:00.000-06:00

november chlorophagia.

293

2007-11-01T20:30:00.000-05:00

"if you give me the same circumstances, hell yeah, id do it again."

nope.

1915-2007.

294

2007-11-01T20:16:00.000-05:00

you see that hand gesture?

youre totally fucking hexed, comcast.

nobody interrupts my high speed porn connection.

nobody.

295

2007-10-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

sometimes i wonder whether or not any ink remains.

i suppose that remains to be inked.

or not.

he wrote novels in the sand only to see them erased by the surf.

296

2007-09-23T21:54:00.000-05:00

sha na na na.

sha na na na.

hey hey hey:

good bye.

297

2007-09-18T03:44:00.000-05:00

my name is aramis ramirez:

behold my boom stick!

298

2007-09-06T00:32:00.001-05:00

1935-2007.

299

2007-09-04T23:30:00.000-05:00

crush depth thinks there might be a dire shortage of young-towheaded-child-wearing-jammies-while-having-trouble-balancing-yet-adorably-bracing-himself-against-a-plush-blue-chair stock photos.

__________________________________________

think what you will about using coupons for a doctor's visit but crush depth takes notable exception to medical practitioners who welcome emergencies.

300

2007-08-29T17:04:00.000-05:00

jada will recall dr. bramble's legendary reference to arboreal weariness:

"hey asshole: youd be tired too if you had to stand for forty fuckin years. aint no crime to rest my vascular bundles, you voyeuristic cocksucker."

301

2007-08-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

a newborn saw the world for the first time this morning just as yone minagawa did one hundred and fourteen years ago.

1893-2007.

302

2007-08-13T01:33:00.001-05:00

303

2007-08-02T03:48:00.000-05:00

n.l.c. w l pct

cubs 57 49 .538
crew 58 50 .537
cards 50 54 .481
'stros 46 61 .430
reds 45 63 .417
bucs 43 62 .410

hello, first place.

304

2007-07-29T01:50:00.000-05:00

recorded tuesday, july 24th:

"k, so, basically what happened, she told me yesterday what transpired and probably what started it was that the girl from floral had left at three o'clock which--"

"--correct."

"--which i instructed them to do which was scheduled, ok, and obviously when they left they didnt communicate it to, uh, the farmstand department."

"correct."

"so there was a fourth call, so anna got ticked off, and she, did she call you on the intercom or something?"

"she didnt call me. she said farmstand dial 3-4-0."

"ok. and then what happened then?"

"then she started berating me. she said i had an attitude problem for not responding to a floral call. i told her i dont know their schedule. its not my job to know their schedule. i didnt hear a fourth call."

"k."

"i dont think that happened. i wrote down what she said. at 3:50 she told me i had an attitude problem for not responding to a floral call."

"k."

"i explained theres no way i could know their schedule. sally doesnt speak english so she didnt tell me anything. theres no way i could know she was gone. all she does is utter these one word commands like "load, load, cancel, cancel."

"k."

"i was completely disgusted. it was totally unprofessional for her to just start digging into me for no reason. then mary told me when she got here that anna started yelling at her too."

"mary who?"

"mary in floral."

"oh, okay."

"the four o' clock person...and for what? it not mary's fault."

"ok...lemme me ask you this. now im gonna ask you a question so dont be offended or anything. do you feel it was that big of a deal, cuz, the reason why i say this, youve been around for a long time, youre a veteran, youre been through everything, ok, youve been in this store for a while and youve had different managers, probably really nice people and some not really so nice people, so youve survived and youve been all through this. do you really, do you really feel that it was that bad, are you that thin-skinned? now im just asking you."

"let me put it this way. in fourteen years ive never complained about a supervisor."

"really?"

"and i found that disgusting, yes. i go way above and beyond what i have to do here. i write orders as a part timer--"

"--sure."

"-- i work a lot of hours--"

"--sure."

"--and you know i work as hard as i can."

"sure."

"and to speak to me like that is totally uncalled for and i wont tolerate it."

"ok."

"its not becoming of a manager."

"ok. alright."

"thats how i feel--"

"ok, well alright--"

"-- its not being thin-skinned. its a matter of showing respect for employees."

"ok. ummm, what do we need to do to right this?"

"id like an apology from her."

"k."

"and she should also apologize to mary cuz mary was upset too. she had absolutely nothing to do with this. she just came in at her scheduled time."

"see thats part of the thing, you know, and again im not downplaying your anger and your concern. i dont think having an hour gap between one person leaving and one person coming in is a big deal. however, it should have been communicated to whoever that there was going to be a gap."

"correct. my issue is not the gap. my issue is that i wasnt told, i didnt know, its not my job to know and she just started digging into me. thats not right."

"ok."

"then i called the union and she told me i had to do that on my own time and thats not right either. if i have to file a grievance thats on company time."

"that i dont know about to be very honest with you."

"my union steward seems to think so."

"ok."

"thats why i pay union dues. so i can file grievances."

"k."

"then my other issue is that we are all regular clerks...frozen, dairy, grocery. theyre in the next aisle from floral. how come theyre not getting the calls?"

"well usually in every store ive ever been at its always been the farmstand's responsibility to take the floral calls whether youre on the other side of the store or not. thats just how its always been. theres always been a partnership between floral and farmstand."

"if theres a partnership how come theyre not getting our calls?"

"i dont know."

"who do i ask, then? youre in charge. who do i call for that?"

"i would say to you, well um, well see theres never a problem with them getting your calls because theres always somebody in farmstand."

"thats not true. when i go on break and im by myself and i get a call i have to come down from my break. but im expected to get all their calls."

"well yeah youre right. youre right. i would say, i would say call whoevers in floral and say hey guess what, im on break, could you help me out and get my calls..or somebody..i mean yeah hey c'mon you know its its--"

"--youve been around a long time too and you know that doesnt happen in reality. we can say it but its not enforced--"

"--well--"

"let me ask you a question. if farmstand had gotten a fourth call, do you think anna wouldve called floral and talked to mary the way she talked to me?"

"i dont...youre asking me to make an assumption i cant."

"its a reasonable question. do you think she wouldve called floral and asked how come youre not getting the farmstand calls? thats a reasonable question."

"i cant answer that cuz youre asking me to make uh, an assumption on something that i dont know. i dont know, i cant, i cant, me i wouldnt have said anything i wouldve found out who was supposed to be getting calls so--"

"thats what i told anna. i told her i dont know the schedule. i dont work in floral. she was standing in floral cuz i called 340. the schedule is there."

"ok. alright. were you gonna talk to me about this or what?"

"i wanted to talk to my union rep first to find out the proper way to handle this."

"is kathy your union steward?"

"yes. thats why i was discussing this with her."

"okay. alright. i didnt mean to butt in i just happened to walk up."

"thats fine. this just bothered me."

"does it still bother you?"

"yeah. im angry about it. im angry about a lot of things but that was totally uncalled for. iver never been treated that way for no reason."

"really?"

"yes."

"im not downplaying you, im just, im, im just, youre, youre pretty upset."

"yeah. i was disgusted. the best thing i could do was walk away and take a breather."

"thats smart. thats good."

"ive never had this problem with management before."

"has it always been a problem with her and you, you and her?"

"no. when she came in i said welcome back from vacation anna."

"okay so youve never had a problem with her or anything like that?"

"nope. ive never filed a grievance. ever. fourteen years."

"ok."

"so youre going to file a grievance then?"

"if she apologizes sincerely it might change but if she doesnt im going to follow through."

"ok."

"thank you for listening."

"not a problem, not a problem. doors always open. and i and i and i understand your concern and i understand how you feel. unfortunately i wasnt there. i didnt hear how the tone of her voice was so the tone mustve been something where it really set you off, really upset you. was it a sarcastic tone?"

"it was condescending and demeaning."

"ok."

"thats the best way i can describe it."

"can i can i can i maybe, like, say how she wouldve said it. what did she say to you? she said you have a--"

"--she said i have an attitude problem for not responding."

"did she say, jeff, do you have an attitude problem?"

"no, she didnt ask a question. she told me."

"ok. jeff, you have an attitude problem."

"yes."

"kinda like that?"

"yes, exactly like that."

"ok."

"so is it because i cant read their minds? why do i have an attitude problem. what did she tell you?"

"she, she told me that she said she asked you why there was a fourth call."

"thats a lie."

"she said that she called you and wanted to know why you werent getting calls for price checks or something like that. to be very honest with you, the exact wordage, i dont remember. but she did say that she got, she said that she asked you and that you got mad because of how she spoke to you. and she said that you were going to call the union. so is that pretty much--"

"--so she admitted--"

"well she admitted to me that you were upset. you were upset on the way she spoke to you."

"she could have handled it by asking if i could please get the floral calls. thats all it would have taken. just ask me."

"ok."

"cuz theres no way i can know, joe."

"i know, i know."

"i cant know eveything thats going on all the time."

"i, i, i jeff i understand. that part i got no problem with. yeah. no problem at all."

transcribed sunday, july 29th.

305

2007-07-25T01:18:00.000-05:00

"see me drivin' down the street
im bored with lookin' good
i got both hands on the wheel
the cops are comin'
im listenin' to the music with no fear
you can hear it too if youre sincere

'cuz im a punkrocker yes i am
well im a punkrocker yes i am
'cuz im a punkrocker yes i am
well im a punkrocker yes i am"

306

2007-06-30T22:27:00.000-05:00

on the very same day i discovered incontrovertible alien spaceship wreckage in my backyard i also happened upon a bag of sliced portabella mushrooms that will remain safe to consume until the twilight of man:

fuckin-a.

307

2007-06-27T18:01:00.000-05:00

at long last my literary pièce de résistance is complete:

now i can recline on the ole ijoy with a box of teddy grahams and wait for doubleday to burst through my patio door.

308

2007-06-25T11:45:00.001-05:00

1920-2007.

309

2007-06-25T00:45:00.000-05:00

1968-2007.

310

2007-06-21T20:02:00.001-05:00

1918-2007.

311

2007-06-16T00:37:00.000-05:00

say what you will about cucumber plants, my friends, but the bottom line remains that theyre fucking smart.

if ever an instance existed of a gourd extorting gravity cucumbers would represent the b.m.f.i.c.

my cukes have a hispanic accent.

"choo try to defy me, esse? say 'ello to my tendrils, beeyatch."

chun
chu chun
chu chun
chu chun
my tendril brings all the boys to the yard, and theyre like, its better than yours, damn right, its better than yours i could teach you, but id have to charge my tendril brings all the boys to the yard, and theyre like, its better than yours, damn right, its better than yours i could teach you, but id have to charge.

312

2007-06-14T03:43:00.000-05:00

june 14, 1982:

police found a 35mm nikon thirty yards from the yellow tape.

forensics lifted a sanguine partial from the shutter button.

command developed a single grainy image from the film stock:

case #29145 remains cold.

313

2007-06-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

a second shorter softer slower sooner a degree to the left a variant word an aberrant turn a forsaken call a lengthier eyelock a higher strike an extra ounce an orphic kiss an alternate number a mercurial y-sperm a hairline maneuver a rickety valance shell an incidental glance a second longer harder faster later

a different chain.

pick a card.

314

2007-06-07T03:41:00.000-05:00

september 4, 1972.

june 6, 2007.

so long, bob.

315

2007-06-05T00:04:00.000-05:00

sometimes the camera sees what you cant.

316

2007-06-03T00:06:00.000-05:00

some people check the forecast via the internet as a daily matter of course.

others habitually frequent their online financial institution of choice.

i scour wikipedia's death page.

its fanfuckintastically fascifuckinating.

the month isnt yet fifty hours old and already our species has experienced the demise of a chinese vice premier, an irish poet, a young r&b vocalist, a malaysian actress, a former state senate majority leader and the world's fourth oldest person.

every name a story, every story a memoir, every memoir an anecdote, every anecdote a moment, every moment an eternity.

i conjointly follow the status of the planet's surviving world war one veterans; these individuals heard first-person accounts from civil war veterans in a manner analogous to generation y soldiers encountering the lore of korean war veterans.

civil. war. veterans.

roll it around in your brain for a moment or two.

twenty-nine wwi veterans, the youngest of whom is 104 years old, still open their eyes each morning as they did when william mckinley was the president of the united states.

317

2007-06-02T00:33:00.000-05:00

thats how the world looks four picoseconds before a ceiling fan blade spanks the isthmus that links the frontal bone to the parietal bone.

some folks call it the coronal suture.

some folks would prefer a corona.

thats what the brain sees as you fall on your ass and ponder whether or not you indeed have a brain.

thats a mangomid.

all rights reserved.

thats three glass bottles of jarritos refresco sabor tamarindo natural stacked one atop another.

just 'cuz i could and just 'cuz you havent.

thats three colored balls comically out of place.

those of you who are cone deficient will be delighted to learn that the ball on the left is red.

and that?

well.

thats just plain fucked up, aint it?

318

2007-05-28T00:58:00.000-05:00

no matter how many times i watch secretariat's 1973 belmont stakes performance i always find myself a little more at peace with my inner demons.

watch the video and find four minutes of awesome respite in a world where unbridled exaltation is at a massive premium.

i dont find horseracing particularly exciting but i live and die for historic moments in sports; secretariat ran the guttiest race of any horse's life all the while authoritatively demonstrating that you dont need to have 46 chromosomes to be a tremendous athlete.

on june 9th, 1973, he ran the fastest, most captivating one-and-a-half miles in the annals of equestrian sports.

according to wikipedia, ron turcotte, secretariat's jockey, "could sense secretariat wanted to be let loose, and he did so, letting him shift into high gear and run his own race."

in perhaps the most spine-tingling race ever captured on film, secretariat exploded at the halfway marker and proceeded to annihilate his world-class competition in electric fashion. the final stretch saw secretariat so ridiculously far in front of his opposition that even with the camera pulled all the way back he was the only horse visible in frame as he barrelled across the finish line.

the camera operator had to widely pan left once secretariat crossed the line just to find the other horses.

i find it difficult not to smile and feel a surge of overwhelming empowerment as i listen to track announcer chic anderson's voice become increasingly strained with an eclectic mix of incredulity, exasperation and hysteria as his now legendary call described history in the making:

"...he is moving like a tremendous machine! secretariat by 12, secretariat by 14 lengths...secretariat is all alone! hes out there almost a 1/16 of a mile away from the rest of the horses! secretariat leads this field by 18 lengths...secretariat has opened up a 22 length lead! an unbelievable, an amazing performance!"

secretariat ran one-and-a-half miles in two minutes and twenty-four seconds, thirty-one lengths ahead of the runner-up.

nearly 35 years later secretariat's record time still stands.

319

2007-05-27T00:49:00.000-05:00

hey you.

>tap tap<

wake up.

ive been suckin' on fuckin' tree roots for seventeen years.

now i have a huge cicada load with your name on it, babycakes.

320

2007-05-24T18:22:00.000-05:00

in defiance of springtime.

321

2007-05-21T18:20:00.000-05:00

dramatic music plays as a woman's voice boldly narrates the commercial:

"holes...the advanced technology behind tylenol extra strength rapid release gels."

hmm.

either advanced technology just aint what it used to be or mcneil's think tank is riding the 13th hour e-train.

"wheels...the advanced technology behind moving automobiles."

322

2007-05-17T21:54:00.000-05:00

914,544,000 seconds later...

323

2007-05-14T23:24:00.000-05:00

its time to stop comparing low prices to the cost of a few cups of coffee.

has the barrel run so fucking dry that marketers, companies and salespeople cant think of anything but coffee when they try to pawn their bullshit wares?

the analogy was terrible when sally struthers' disgusting face flooded our living rooms ad infinitum throughout the 80s and it was equally horrifying when i read "lets say you start by putting just $7 a week into your 401k...the price of a few cups of coffee..." in my company's profit-sharing newsletter this afternoon.

at least make it amusing by writing "lets say you start by putting just $7 a week into your 401k...the price of a few days wages of the people who harvest your coffee." the mere thought of how financially secure we are compared to many other folks around the world might tempt me enough to donate a few bucks to greenpeace or buy a subscription to swank or send away for a set of the u.s. government's latest shitty state quarters.

"we'll send your gem-mint, uncirculated state quarters with an absolutely free, fuzzy, purple velvet-lined display folder so everyone who comes to your house can see what a fucking moron you are!"

enough.

in other news, i knew the day would eventually arrive but i never realized how soon.

depaul university has sent me their first alumni solicitation for a donation one month shy of my first graduation anniversary.

i guess they figured since im no longer dropping twenty thousand bucks a year on tuition i can afford to just send them money for no reason whatsofuckinever.

i must admit im a little amused by how accomodating they are when it comes to donating which lies in stark contrast to the billions of holds and bullshit restrictions they placed on my student account as soon as it became eight femtoseconds past due.

not only can i donate by check, credit card, electronic funds transfer or even securities but theyre also kind enough to send me, at my request, "information on including depaul university in my will or estate plan."

thats right, my friends:

depaul wants to chase my assets right into the fuckin' cemetary.

i bet theyd send university president rev. holtschneider himself to serve as a pall bearer if i agreed to sign over my rare vinyl collection in the event of my death.

the following is written in boldface, exaggerated font, colored letters on the upper right quadrant of the cover page directly underneath a nauseating photograph of four students smiling as though theyre auditioning for a fucking terry schiavo colgate commercial:

"your donation will help keep depaul going strong."

i dont recall receiving a single such letter before depaul decided to close the barat campus.

then again, college is a business and depaul university represents the chief executive officer.

you unbelievably greedy motherfuckers.

i have donated forty-one cents to the united states postal service.

324

2007-05-09T00:35:00.000-05:00

"so what medications have you taken?"

"it would be easier to name the ones i havent."

"wellbutrin?"

"yes."

"effexor?"

"yes."

"lexapro?"

"yes."

"depakote?"

"yes."

"you have taken quite a few, havent you?"

"yes, hence it being easier to name the ones i havent."

"the problem with xanax is that its very addictive."

"uh huh."

"you have to keep taking more and more."

"yep."

"some patients have come to see me while theyre taking ten, twelve milligrams."

"okay."

"why did you stop taking the other medications?"

"they didnt work."

"how do you know?"

"because they didnt help."

"how long did you take them?"

"at least four months each."

"i see, i see."

"what do you see?"

a pause.

"when did you have the ct scan?"

"five or six years ago."

"and what was the reason?"

"the neurologist wanted to make sure there was nothing physiologically wrong with my brain."

"and she prescribed you seroquel."

"yes."

"what effect did it have?"

"none."

"everyone has a response to seroquel."

"everyone has a response to every drug."

"how much did you take?"

"i dont remember."

"was it a little red pill?"

"i dont remember and im not going to guess."

"sometimes you have to take more to have a noticeable effect."

"okay."

"why didnt she prescribe you a higher dosage?"

"im not a neurologist. i dont know."

"and you dont remember the shape?"

exhale.

"nope."

"are you open to trying something new?"

"thats why im here."

"i want you to try taking klonopin to get you off xanax."

"alright."

"its stronger."

"so it has a longer half-life?"

she looks up.

"you know about this?"

"uh huh."

"yes, it has a longer half-life."

"good."

"i want you to take one milligram twice daily. we can go up to three milligrams."

"how is this not substituting one addiction for another?"

"we have to wean you off the xanax."

"thats not what i asked."

she looks up.

"klonopin doesnt have the same problems xanax does."

"theyre both benzodiazepines."

"klonopin works another way."

"all benzodiazepines augment the effects of gaba."

she looks down.

"if three milligrams doesnt help enough we can also add seroquel."

325

2007-05-04T22:45:00.000-05:00

as my colossal case of writer's block enters the realm of aching drought known only to those who love the craft i find myself thinking about a suitable title for my book.

ive always been partial to "versus gravity" for the simple reason that it encapsulates the most effective release mechanism in my coping arsenal. i press more than a metal bar off my chest when i lift.

and by the way, you hackjob, cartage motherfuckers who dont bring the bar all the way down to your chest: youre a fucking disgrace to the sport.

throw your fucking gloves away, put your belt back in mommies house, lose the tank top, get off your cell phone for eight seconds, dont bring attention to yourself and do it right.

you know who you are.

another potential choice for my memoirs, you ask?

"as raindrops inexorably pound the earth."

i like carnage, chaos, contention and concatenation. i love films and novels about the demise of civilization, society and humankind.

if i was the last person on earth i would be the crazy motherfucker who meticulously plotted rube goldbergian ways of setting gigantic firework warehouses ablaze as i watched from the comfort of a plush, fully reclined la-z-boy. i would be stephen king's "trashcan man" as i made my merry way across the country dropping fuses in gasoline tankers whilst cinematically snapping my trusty zippo. i would launch everything i possibly could off the top of chicago's 'cock and watch the devastation unfold on high-speed camera film. i would see how quickly i could level a seventeen-story office building using nothing but wwii hand grenades and then i would watch as the building toppled like a lumberjacked oak tree.

i like snow that knows no woes. i like foggy october shadows. i like the rain that accumulates between wiper cycles. i like wind that flirts with the foundation of my house. i like storms that froth at the mouth. i like vacation footage of tsunamis and eruptions and earthquakes and typhoons and monsoons and wildfires and avalanches and mudslides and hurricanes and blizzards and tornadoes and floods, fires, frost and frippery.

i cant wait for earth to win.

i think ill throw one more candidate in the mix for good measure.

i was sitting in a biology lecture several years ago when i heard my professor say "where the xylem meets the phloem." the phrase rolls off the tongue like warm butterscotch.

i never had to etch the words on the back of my left hand because it represented one of those marvelous acoustic moments that all humans experience; its as if specific, designated neurons exist for the sole purpose of being entombed in glial concrete the instant a predestined consortium of words enters consciousness.

perhaps its your octogenarian grandmother telling you to have a strong will as she succumbs to the atrocities of pancreatic cancer. perhaps its the onomatopoeia of your baseball leaving a dent in the left field scoreboard. perhaps its the last few lines of a poem youll recite to your wife as you journey into the great wide open.

our limitless senses limit us as we seek meaning in a meaningless world.

and that, my friends, is where the xylem meets the phloem.

326

2007-04-12T01:28:00.001-05:00

1922-2007.

327

2007-04-09T23:30:00.000-05:00

don imus has never been funny but thats besides the fucking point.

if black people can say whatever the fuck they want about white people then white people can say whatever the fuck they want about black people.

get over it.

nigger. cracker. jiggaboo. honkey. porch monkey. white bread. moon cricket. pillsbury. ho. cunt. chink. spic. spook. napkin nigger. oreo. wop. nip. beaner. polack. paki. jungle bunny. snowflake. faggot. tar baby. gyp. coon. wigger. gook. dago. inkface. tonto. hymie. zebra. raghead. zipperhead. gringo. crip. dyke. cooze. jap. leroy.

you still breathing? you still alive? you know why?

'cuz theyre fucking words.

extremely unpopular speech, by the way, needs to be protected the most.

then again, those of us with minds of our own already understand that.

328

2007-04-05T20:12:00.000-05:00

crush depth takes particular exception to awful music.

click here for a delightful example of aural ineptitude at its finest. cookie cutter bands like nickelback might as well be the defense attorneys in the people v. total shit. the only amusing facet of nickelback's decision to plagiarize itself is that the overlapping tracks sound far more creative in tandem than either track alone.

if you dont find the similarities in structural buildups, tempo shifts, drum arrangements, emphatic pauses, riffing, vocal patterns, dramatic breakdowns and overall length downright uncanny then youre probably the sort of person who gets excited when creed comes to town.

get away from the fuckin' radio and find music that feels like it was custom-designed to quell your demons.

i listen to music that runs the gamut from enya to meshuggah to sugar to agalloch to strapping young lad to danny elfman. record labels including the end records, century media, hevydevy and nuclear blast offer oodles of eclectic mp3 samples that will undoubtedly revolutionize your concept of musical genius.

salvation lies at your fingertips.

whats your fucking excuse?

329

2007-04-04T23:27:00.000-05:00

1941-2007.

thanks.

330

2007-04-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

maybe ive become the tattoo.

331

2007-03-05T23:30:00.000-06:00

the aftermath of a half-ton skid making merry with my right foot.

as much as that sucked, im a little amused by my inability to properly balance myself.

the big toe aint just for show, you know.

332

2007-02-24T23:30:00.000-06:00

the illinois senate has at long last voted to legalize and appropriate funding for embryonic stem cell research. this represents a triumph for people who are grounded in reality.

the issue is very simple, folks. its all there, black and white, clear as crystal:

you stole fizzy lifting drinks.

stem cells dont care that theyre being subjected to experimentation because they cant.

senator chris lauzen, a republican who cast a dissenting vote in the 35-23 decision, crafted a lingual tapestry of histrionics for the media as he inserted his tampon: "obviously, we all want cures to diseases. the question is, what are we willing to sacrifice to get them? the unique identity of an individual human being disappears for eternity."

ah, yes.

who doesnt have a fond memory or two of their days as a blastocyst?

are you fucking kidding me?

perhaps senator lauzen doesnt understand that a scientist can remove one or two stem cells without harming a developing embryo. perhaps he believes that its more ethical to perform lethal research on cognizant, non-human primates than on brainless, three day old embryos. perhaps he doesnt know that 50% of women experience miscarriages so early in their pregnancy that they never even realize fertilization occurred. perhaps he has no relatives who might benefit from the vast array of potential medical breakthroughs inherent to stem cell research.

whatever the case may be, the bottom line remains that senator lauzen is a fucking asshole.

i have an extremely difficult time believing people who claim to grieve for the loss of embryonic stem cells. i see no substantive moral standpoint, i find all objections scientifically unreasonable and i simply dont buy the argument.

i just dont.

the benefits of helping people who already have a unique identity far outweigh the detriments of destroying a conglomerate of cells whose sole identity consists of a karyotype.

just shut the fuck up, read the bible or any other holy work of fiction and let the people who realize that faith fixes nothing do their job.

333

2007-02-19T23:33:00.000-06:00

last night i watched a tlc program about a severely troubled teenage boy who attempted to end his life by placing a 12-gauge shotgun underneath his chin and pulling the trigger.

he blew his whole face off including his chin, teeth, lips, tongue, mouth, nose, sinus cavities, eyes and forehead.

he missed his brain entirely; several fragments lodged themselves into his skull but he didnt sustain any brain damage whatsoever.

as i listened to his story i couldnt help but think about the all too familiar tragedy it encapsulated:

mental health care professionals must collaborate and teach at-risk children proper trajectories.

334

2007-02-17T01:54:00.000-06:00

"candelabrum"

335

2007-02-12T09:24:00.000-06:00

and so i embark on what might prove to be the most important journey of my life.

boat drinks, my friends...

336

2007-02-10T03:30:00.000-06:00

our cloaked contributor wields a mighty 1.000 average thus far.

if you fail to falter you will win.

if you fail and falter you might win.

batter up.

of the following five statements, which one is false?

1. in 1963, paul foytack of the los angeles angels surrendered four consecutive home runs in a single inning.
2. in 1975, rennie stennett of the pittsburgh pirates recorded six hits during the course of a nine-inning game.
3. in 1959, harvey haddix of the pittsburgh pirates lost a game in which he retired the first 36 consecutive batters.
4. in 1976, toby harrah of the texas rangers played an entire doubleheader at shortstop without fielding a single chance.
5. in 1970, tom seaver of the new york mets struck out the final ten batters he faced in a nineteen strikeout performance.

337

2007-02-06T18:33:00.000-06:00

"we're opening later to save you more."

it seems as though someone needs an econ 101 refresher.

338

2007-02-04T23:52:00.000-06:00

in addition to being one of my all-time favorite porno flicks, the "big bang" represents the prevailing theory as to how the universe emerged circa 13.7 billion years ago.

within 180 seconds following the granddaddy of all cataclysmic events, no less than six distinct epochs commenced, each intriguing in their own right:

1. plancks epoch began 10^-43 seconds after the big bang and ended roughly one-billionth of one second later. during this time the fundamental forces of electromagnetism, strong nuclear forces, weak nuclear forces and gravity unified into a single force.

raising an eyebrow, are you? need i remind you that planck has a fuckin' constant named after him? who doesnt have a heartwarming, yuletide anecdote inextricably intertwined with 6.626068 × 10-34 j*s? not to mention planck's decidedly dapper mustache:

2. the grand unification epoch began 10^-33 seconds after the big bang and concluded at the 10^-12 second marker. in the midst of this epoch gravity distinguished itself from both electromagnetism and the two types of nuclear forces in a complicated process analogous to a lunar landing module separating from apollo 69, which, as coincidence would have it, is also one of my favorite ball-draining betamax cassettes.

few would argue it was tom spanks' professional tour de force.

sometime between the grand unification epoch and the subsequent epoch to be discussed anon the distinct forces of nature as we recognize them materialized.

i know because i was there.

3. the electroweak epoch began one picosecond after the big bang and ended at one microsecond. this epoch can be characterized by cosmic particles attaining mass.

not to be outdone, several billion years later our very own society drained every last smithereen from the health care system by attaining ass.

4. the hadron epoch began one microsecond after the big bang and concluded at one second post-bang. since a microsecond is one one-millionth of one second the total time for this epoch tipped the temporal scales at .999999 seconds which, as you may have noticed, constitutes the longest epoch yet described.

protons and neutrons formed during this blink of time as a consequence of the universe cooling to roughly ten gigakelvins or, if you will, the temperature typically used to self-clean a household oven.

5. the lepton epoch began one second after the big bang and ended 179 seconds later. like hadrons, leptons are subatomic particles. one type of lepton of which you are all aware is none other than an electron. the universe was so insanely torrid during this epoch that nuclear fusion occured leading to the genesis of atoms.

fusing nuclei aint something you do on saturday afternoon with a bunsen burner and a handful of ununhexium.

jada will fill you in with the particulars if youre lucky.

incidentally, i salute those of you who understand the significance of "a lepton is a greek coin."

6. the photon epoch began three minutes after the big bang and concluded 300,000 years later. photons are particles or packets of electromagnetic radiation that are responsible for the phenomenon known as light.

go ahead and flip that switch on the wall. i know youre dying to see them photons wookin' pa nub.

hydrogen and helium, the two most fundamental atoms, began to form upon the conclusion of the photon epoch; our solar system came into being eight and a half billion years later.

everything that happened in between is none of your god damn business.

the next time you want to use an extremely esoteric unit of measurement to describe the passing of time might i suggest a hadron epoch?

"dude, i fuckin' shot my load all over her face for like eight hadron epochs."

got bukkake?

a show of hands for everyone who recognized the number "millillion," please.

i bet some of you were agonizing over whether a millillion was equal to ten to the 3000th power or ten to the 3003rd power.

i shall allay your anxieties, dear readers.

ladies and gentlemen i present "the millillion:"

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

thats ten to the 3003rd power.

count 'em.

crush depth has a special place in his heart for numbers. perhaps some of you share a similar fondness for prodigious digits that come equipped with delightfully preposterous names.

click here for a list of gargantuan numbers that are so ridiculously enormous that they have no practicality other than being excellent fodder for your indefatigable sagacity cannons.

some of crush depth's favorites, you ask?

1. one gogoomump = one followed by 12,000 zeroes
2. one maximusmillion - one followed by one million zeroes
3. one trigintillion = one followed by 9,999,999,999 zeroes
4. one killillion = ten to the 3 millillion 3rd power
5. one fugagargantugoogolplex = gargantugoogolplex raised to the gargantugoogolplex power a gargantugoogolplex times

sources tell crush depth that the next ipod nano will feature an 80 fugagargantugoogolpex gigabyte hard drive although consumers should remember that the actual hard drive capacity will vary due to bundled software and a clock widget.

anyone want to take a stab at defining megafugagargantugoogolplex?

since i cant decide whether or not chicago's wind chill is colder than rex grossman's quarterback rating i might as well segue into a discussion of temperature conversions especially since im not in a position to sermonize first down conversions.

not that im bitter.

rex.

the formula for converting fahrenheit to centigrade is as follows:

tc = (5/9)*(tf-32) where tc = temperature in degrees celsius and tf = temperature in degrees fahrenheit.

we know that water boils at 212 degrees fahrenheit which is equivalent to 100 degrees celsius, dont we?

please say yes using your finest twelve-inch voice.

using the above formula, if you subtract 32 from 212 you get 180; then, if you multiply 180 by 5/9ths you arrive at the expected 100.

you can also quickly check the formula's integrity by using the familiar, equivalent freezing points of 32 degrees fahrenheit and zero degrees centigrade. 32 minus 32 equals zero. the 5/9ths calculation becomes irrelevant since any number multiplied by zero will always be zero unless, of course, youre talking about killillions of hadron epochs in which case you need to carry the two before multiplying by the proscribed fraction.

lets try converting -40 degrees fahrenheit by applying the same formula, shallnt we?

-40 minus -32 equals -72. multiplying -72 times 5/9ths yields -40.

math doesnt lie, my friends.

-40 degrees celsius equals -40 degrees fahrenheit.

feynman's point, named after the esteemed physicist richard feynman, is indeed a series of six consecutive 9s that begins at the 762nd decimal point of pi.

thats the unmistakable smile of a man who knows he has earned a distinguished seat in the annals of "who gives a fuck."

according to wikipedia, "the next sequence of six consecutive digits is again comprised of 9s, starting at position 193,034. the next distinct sequence of six consecutive digits starts with 8 at position 222,299. of the remaining digits, 0 is the last to first repeat 6 times, starting at position 1,699,927."

thirsting for more?

a series of nine consecutive 9s begins at the 564,665,206th decimal point.

if youd like to see the first four million digits of pi please click here.

i suggest printing a copy for your glove compartment.

can you tell the difference between the following two shapes?

figure a:

figure b:

give up?

figure "a" represents a boring circle; figure "b" exemplifies a bitchin' chiliagon.

each of a chilagon's 1,000 angles equals 179.64° which makes it nearly impossible to distinguish the polygon from a perfect circle. the picture below reflects a miniscule section of figure "b."

head to your nearest kinko's, create a highway billboard of the above image and measure the angles with your trusty protractor. i have no doubt youll fall in love with the chiliagon's mystique all over again.

statement number one is a fabrication, folks; "a chiliagon is a polygon with 10,000 sides" is patently false.

lest you run home to momma let it be known that a myriagon proudly boasts 10,000 sides; each angle measures 179.964 degrees.

hell yeah.

the line:

jada: four
verbald: three
brandon: three
anonymous: five
brad: two
eric: three
mindy: one
david in dc: one
chaotic rain: one

339

2007-02-02T13:22:00.000-06:00

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

"report: global warming real, man-made"

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

"massive freeze kills seven"

340

2007-01-29T23:30:00.000-06:00

as i slept and dreamt of sleep a mail carrier sorted the day's route.

one letter had my name written on the envelope.

"to the applicant:

you have been referred by the department of central management services for consideration in filling the position of a firearm/toolmark/latent print forensic scientist trainee.

please follow the above directions for reporting to the interview listed above.

--illinois state police, forensic sciences command"

well, holy shit.

341

2007-01-27T00:29:00.000-06:00

sticks and stones and silicon
dust and ash and clay
neurons thirst for crafts to hone
have you come to play?

of the following five statements, which one is false?

1. a chiliagon is a polygon with 10,000 sides.
2. the hadron epoch lasted approximately .999999 seconds.
3. one millillion is equivalent to ten to the 3003rd power.
4. -40 celsius is equivalent to -40 fahrenheit.
5. feynman's point is a series of six consecutive 9s in pi.

342

2007-01-26T22:40:00.000-06:00

yeah.

those of you planning to send crush depth valentines should postmark all cadbury cream eggs no later than XQ40792F3.

no exceptions.

343

2007-01-25T16:23:00.000-06:00

in 1843, john quincy adams, the sixth president of the united states and son of second president john adams, became the first commander in chief to have his likeness immortalized in a daguerreotype image:

the process of developing a daguerreotype involved the use of silver, iodine and mercury vapor. crush depth would wager an old school dime that period photographers who spent their days in a mercury cloud were disproportionately prone to a host of horrendous illnesses in an era where jerking off to a hot copy of "juggs" in order to relieve pain would have been decidedly frowned upon by those in attendance.

although adams wasnt photographed until fourteen years after his presidency concluded he nonetheless holds the undisputed, world, continental, intercontinental, universal title as the first skipper to endure the trials and tribulations of agonizingly tortoiselike primordial photography.

but enough about triple h.

james buchanan, undoubtedly everyone's all-time favorite prez, was the first to bust the photography cherry while wielding the white house reins.

the first authenticated photograph taken of anything was none other than "view from the window at la gras" by joseph nicéphore niépce in 1826.

thats an actual, 181 year old image.

i find few things in life more concomitantly haunting and captivating than early 19th century photographs.

eighty-six year old supreme court justice john paul stevens, or, as i like to call him, god, assumed his position on december 19, 1975 after being nominated by president gerald rudolph ford and confirmed 98-0 by the senate.

in addition to being america's coolest octogenarian stud, justice stevens crafted the most scathing dissent in the court's 5-4 decision that effectively terminated manual vote recounts in florida during the mercurial 2000 presidential campaign.

stevens refused to mince nary a word by writing "we may never know with complete certainty who won this election, but the identity of the loser is perfectly clear, it is the nation's confidence in the judge as an impartial guardian of the rule of law."

go stevens. go stevens. go stevens.

harry s truman, the man who authorized deployment of the two largest bombs ever used against other human beings, was the only president to serve after 1870 sans college diploma. although he briefly studied jurisprudence at the university of missouri-kansas city school of law he never earned the right to adorn the west wing with academic sheepskin.

one can only wonder why truman didnt return to his studies when he was defeated by dewey in the 1948 election.

thats a $100,000 bill. thats woodrow wilson. thats the largest denomination the united states ever printed. that would get you one hell of a booth from the maître d'.

any questions?

now.

the twenty-second amendment of the united states' constitution declares that "no person shall be elected to the office of the president more than twice, and no person who has held the office of president, or acted as president, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected president shall be elected to the office of the president more than once." (emphasis added.)

the language is crystal clear, folks.

a president may serve for two and one-half terms for a total administrative assignment not to exceed ten years; thus, the statement "the 22nd amendment limits a president to serving two terms" is false.

crush depth senses some groans.

might i remind those of you who find the half-term exception persnickety that a president's actions, initiatives and appointments during the first 100 days in office have an especially significant tonal and effectual impact on the remainder of their administration; 730 extra executive days represents a potentially enormous vantage.

nice work, eric, jada and anonymous.

the line:

jada: four
verbald: three
brandon: three
anonymous: four
brad: one
eric: three
mindy: one
david in dc: one

344

2007-01-21T23:12:00.000-06:00

i was in third grade the last time the bears played in the superbowl.

i remember watching the game with my grandfather.

twenty-one years have passed.

its time to bring it back home.

345

2007-01-19T22:21:00.000-06:00

jupiter is the largest planet in the solar system followed in descending diametric order by saturn, uranus, neptune, earth, venus, mars and mercury.

that would place earth at number five for those of you with enough fingers.

i wouldve included pluto in the mix but a bunch of knuckleheads in the front office formally decided to make the former smallest rock a planetary pariah in the year of our lord 2006.

several years ago the folks who administrate the iau, otherwise known as the international astronomical union, crafted a preposterously gordian three-part definition of what constitutes a planet:

1. objects with true masses below the limiting mass for thermonuclear fusion of deuterium (currently calculated to be 13 jupiter masses for objects of solar metallicity) that orbit stars or stellar remnants are "planets" (no matter how they formed). the minimum mass/size required for an extrasolar object to be considered a planet should be the same as that used in our solar system.

2. substellar objects with true masses above the limiting mass for thermonuclear fusion of deuterium are "brown dwarfs," no matter how they formed nor where they are located.

3. free-floating objects in young star clusters with masses below the limiting mass for thermonuclear fusion of deuterium are not "planets," but are "sub-brown dwarfs."

tell me something i don’t know, fellahs.

although i cant foresee anyone having trouble making heads or tails of the above requisite criteria the iau recently released a condensed, modified definition of a planet:

a bona fide planet consists of "a celestial body that is (a) in orbit around the sun, (b) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (c) has cleared the neighbourhood around its orbit.”

pluto fails to fulfill the third requirement although crush depth is left scratching his head since nasa recently reported a brobdingnagian meteoric fart that sent every cosmic entity in pluto’s vicinity packing.

sigh.

i guess pluto is just the ziggy of planets.

without getting mired in irrelevant technicalities, electronegativity can be defined as the propensity of an atom to attract electrons to itself. the "pauling scale" represents the usual weapon of choice to assess a particular element’s respective electronegativity. the scale ranges from zero to four; the higher the score the greater the electronegativity.

got it?

does anyone remember the mnemonic device “fon home! fon home!” back in the dingy, crumbling halls of chem 101? of course, depending on your geographic location, you might instead recall “pick up the fuckin’ fon, bitch.”

“fon” stands for fluorine, the most electronegative element at 3.98, followed by oxygen at 3.44 and nitrogen at 3.04. the farther down or left you traverse the periodic table the lower the electronegativity of the element.

just wait ‘til you see the look of constipation on your children's faces when you tell them at the dinner table.

the lowly element francium has an electronegativity value of 0.7 thus making it the least likely atom to ascertain a friday night electron date and get jiggy wit' it valence style.

thats not to say francium isnt just burning doin’ the neutron dance.

the next time you host a kegger try discarding the donkey and playing “pin the gigantic motherfuckin' electron on the periodic table.” raucous fun will surely ensue as your guests merrily cross reference the electronegativity of their mystery element.

“ha ha! johnny picked a lathanide! chug chug chug chug!”

earth’s atmosphere consists of roughly 78.08% nitrogen, 20.94% oxygen, .93% argon and a smattering of other goodies including carbon dioxide, neon, helium, methane, krypton, nitrous oxide, xenon, ozone and even iodine.

whereas argon represents over 9,000 parts per million by volume of earth’s atmosphere, neon, the second most abundant noble gas, contributes a mere 18 parts per million.

i have included a nifty representation of an argon atom as a reward for those who arent plowing through the murky depths of their drawers desperately seeking a calculator.

argon isnt merely the fashionable pirate’s favorite element; its earth’s hippest, most abundant noble gas.

earth boasts five atmospheric layers ranging from the troposphere to the exosphere. the troposphere extends from ground level to approximately ten miles skyward; the exosphere is so distant from terra firma that a colorful visual courtesy of the buffoons at nasa seems apropos to place the relative scale into digestible perspective:

in 1960, u.s. air force captain joe kittinger set a record for the highest skydive by jumping out of a gondola from an altitude of nearly twenty miles.

the 102,800 foot height of the third and final freefall in project excelsior placed kittinger beyond the realm of the troposphere into the stratosphere.

kittinger nearly broke the speed of sound by attaining an almost inconceivable velocity of 614 miles per hour.

thats .91 mach, my friends.

a riddle:

what do you get if you recognize the significance of .0000000000000000000000000016726 and .0000000000000000000000000016749?

give up?

neutrons have .0000000000000000000000000000023 kilograms more mass than protons; therefore, the converse of statement two is true thus rendering the original locution false.

so, you get a point, you chelatin' chemistry connoisseurs.

the line:

jada: three
verbald: three
brandon: three
anonymous: three
brad: one
eric: two
mindy: one
david in dc: one

346

2007-01-19T19:30:00.000-06:00

1940-2007.

347

2007-01-19T00:01:00.000-06:00

sun-times columnist mary mitchell shared her enthusiastic views regarding barack obama's probable 2008 presidential campaign in today's edition:

"...until a black father can look at his son and tell him in earnest that one day he could grow up to become the president of the united states, then america's great promise is as elusive as peace in the middle east...until a black man can seek the presidency without worrying that something tragic may happen, then we really havent made much progress..."

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

could she possibly have authored a more painful string of nauseating, uninspiring and downright hackneyed platitudes?

in an article chock full of incessant, idealistic crap, why the fuck did she write "until a black father can look at his son" instead of choosing to scribe the egalitarian alternative "until a black parent can look at their child?"

moreover, i dont think america has made any significant, tangible progress in the realm of racial equality or the psychological and physiological well-being of its almost unbelievably politically, culturally, ethnically and racially diversified population.

im not proud to be an american citizen and i dont like our country.

when i traveled to ireland and england a few years ago i told the people i met my country of ancestry rather than my country of citizenship. im constantly disgusted to be associated with a nation that places an article detailing neil patrick harris' homosexuality five newspaper pages ahead of a local soldier's obituary.

once the supreme court illegally decided that george w. bush would win the presidency despite overwhelming evidence that al gore was the rightful successor to clinton i found myself more and more at odds with american principles.

we work unnecessarily long and taxing hours, we find ourselves chronically ill and sleep deprived, we offer unconscionably inadequate sevices to the destitute, we ignore the plight of military veterans and we inexcusably attempt to impart our maligned values to countries that are far more humanitarian and socially successful than our own.

im most bothered by the fact that we live in a country where we habitually ignore potentially fascinating people we encounter in public locations. at what point did we almost unilaterally decide that we shouldnt say "hi" to other humans standing two feet away from us?

have we surpassed mere xenophobia in an apparent quest for interpersonal nihilism?

try introducing yourself to three new people in a bookstore, coffee shop or restaurant that you frequently visit. you will find that the cumulative, multifaceted rewards of such an ostensibly insignificant act will not only enrich your life but also those to whom you extend your alliance.

america is a country that continues to barrel towards unquenchable wariness, ecologically and ethically destructive business practices, appalling socioeconomic segregation and alienation, deplorably misguided materialism, moral transparency and the relentless pursuit of totally meaningless bullshit.

please, american journalists, write columns that contain audacious substance. weve heard all the gossamer baloney ad nauseum ad infinitum.

stand.

348

2007-01-18T01:01:00.000-06:00

as i watched john carpenter's classic "they live" last night, i thought about the sensory glasses each of us wear. instead of being crafted from plastic they are sculpted by life experience and brain chemistry.

we never remove them even as we dream.

whereas some people see a crash others recognize an impact.

if i asked ten million people to write a fifty-word description of white bread i could take a glimpse into the window of ten million similar yet unique perceptual constructs.

would you focus on the color, the shape, the texture, the aroma, the thickness, the dimensions or something fundamentally different?

do you remember a particular picture in one of your history books?

do you recall a professor telling an interesting anecdote?

do you recollect a news article buried on page 43?

of the following five statements, which one is false?

1. the first photographed president was john quincy adams.
2. gerald ford nominated supreme court justice john paul stevens.
3. president harry s truman never earned a college degree.
4. the 22nd amendment limits a president to serving two terms.
5. woodrow wilson appears on the face of the $100,000 bill.

349

2007-01-17T00:55:00.000-06:00

"what in tarnation? this aint saddam's head. i asked 'em for saddam's head. i can tell by lookin' at this ear. this aint saddam's ear. i wonder how you spell armadillah? man im hungry. where the fuck's condoleezza? i bet this thing might float. when's recess? i like rubber duckies."

350

2007-01-16T20:05:00.000-06:00

look closer.

351

2007-01-16T00:04:00.000-06:00

such a perspicacious readership have i.

seth macfarlane's travel agent mistakenly thought that flight 11 would depart a half-hour later than it was actually scheduled to depart on september 11th; as such, the young man who has time and again delivered unbridled delight to millions per the naughty hijinks of greased-up deaf guy missed his ill-fated flight.

one can only surmise what brian griffin's version of "its peanut butter jelly time" would have been like without seth's keen comedic prowess at the helm.

crush depth thinks his agent got a little something extra in the ole christmas stocking.

larry hanks earned his doctorate from the university of california at riverside in 1991 and currently edifies students about the glorious nuances of insect ecology at the university of illinois' urbana-champaign campus.

he also spends his time studying horticulturally friendly ways of curbing the spread of the mischievous, tree-munching asian longhorned beetle.

who said larry doesnt know how to bring the house down?

buddy ebsen nearly died as a consequence of inhaling the aluminum dust that was originally used to impart a silver sheen to his wardrobe and body.

perhaps this tragedy explains why he agreed to star in "the beverly hillbillies" since i cant think of anything other than aluminum dust intoxication that would persuade me to sign such an evil contract.

although he was replaced by jack haley during his two-week hospital stay, ebsen's voice can still be heard in several reprisals of "were off to see the wizard."

and no, my urban legend aficionados, a munchkin cannot be seen hanging himself during the movie for the simple reason that nary a munchkin let loose the noose on the metro-goldwyn-mayer set.

its a bird, you rowdy conspiracy theorists.

dont know about the legend? confused? interested?

read this, insert floyd's "dark side of the moon" in your eight-track player, swig a lead-based jug of rumplemintz and let your mind deceive you.

although its an intriguing and somewhat haunting series of frames an on-screen suicide it aint.

moving right along:

stallone was paid a grand total of two-hundred fat washingtons for his debut acting role as "stud" in morton lewis' magnum opus entitled "the party at kitty and stud's."

lest you sprain an ankle running to your local porn merchant to secure a copy of this legendary schlock allow me to post the plot outline courtesy of imdb:

"kitty and stud are lovers. they enjoy a robust sex-life, which includes fellatio and light s&m, specifically, stud belt-whipping kitty. three women come over for a party and stud services them, one after the other.

although i love the use of the word "specifically" in the description i would be remiss not to plant a seed in your mind that abstracts of dick and jane adventures would probably sound slightly less moronic.

those of you who thought statement number five was false might have been thrown astray by the title of the film. although stallone indeed first graced the big screen with his - ahem- commanding presence in "the party at kitty and stud's," the reissue version following the success of "rocky" became the infamous "italian stallion" video.

yo adrienne! ilawallalallawalawa! wha?

despite a lack of concord for the actual, bottom-line reason underlying his departure, jean-claude van damme either quit or was replaced in "predator." director john mctiernan claims that van damme signed his own pink slip upon learning he wouldnt be credited as an official cast member; other sources propose that kevin peter hall's performance simply supplanted van damme's.

i can envision both scenarios given van damme's track record although i tend to lean towards the latter simply because kevin peter hall seems like a natural choice for the now iconic role.

kevin peter hall stood a towering 7'2'' tall.

thats 86 inches, or, if you will, roughly half the length of milton berle's legendary cock.

hall can be seen without his alien makeup at the tail end of the film; hes the black helicopter pilot.

pursuant to a draconian car crash in the los angeles area the actor who also played "harry" in "harry and the hendersons" received an hiv-contaminated blood transfusion.

hall succumbed to aids-related complications in 1991.

he was 36 years old.

the line:

jada: two
verbald: two
brandon: two
anonymous: two
brad: one
eric: one