252

1,000,000,000 seconds later...

253

eventually, we all hitch a ride on an ambulance, whether its to a hospital, humus, heaven or hell.

254

if you fuckin' sucked slightly more, your name would be latroy hawkins.

and listen, you fucker: only david weathers has a more retarded windup.


fuck you, you fuck.


EDIT: I'm using capital letters because this is very, very important.

Go away, Gregg.

We all just want you to go the fuck home.

255

thanks for breakfast, a vacation, a day off, a day alone, a party, a buck, a science lesson and some unforgettable rides.



february 18th, 1950 - august 6th, 2009.

256

henry "harry" john patch, the last world war one veteran born in the nineteenth century, died today at the age of 111.

he was the last tommy, the last wwi veteran to have engaged in trench warfare and the last wwi soldier to have been wounded in action.

requiescat in pace.


june 17th, 1898 - july 25th, 2009.



...and then there were three.

257

john henry foster babcock, or, if you will, "jack," joined the canadian expeditionary force in 1916 but never saw wwi action on account of his young age. however, those of us who know a thing or two about history will note that the war didnt end until 1918.

as such, 109 years later, he stands as one of four surviving world war one veterans.

happy birthday, jack.



july 23rd, 1900 -

258

i think ill miss you most of all, hank; rest in peace.


june 6th, 1896 - july 18th, 2009.



...and then there were four.

259

so now then:



thats 70 kilograms.




thats 147.5 kilograms.

i have no idea what a kilogram is but id be willing to bet theres a conversion chart out there somewhere.


at one of these meets my physiology and psychology will converge and ill throw the fuckin hammer down; for now im happy to have denied gravity with a pair of competitive bests.



my compliments to the lady luck jamrock for the wicked footage.

260

41,259 days later, a mere fourteen days after celebrating his 113th birthday, henry allingham has assumed the magnificent role of the worlds oldest man following todays death of japans tomoji tanabe.

guinness says so.

just look at him valiantly flash the devil horns for your viewing pleasure. dont fuck with hank; he wont hesitate for so much as a femtosecond to get all 19th century on your ass.

and let us note that his gums still look better than that of any other briton on the planet.



congratulations, you spiffy studmuffin.

261

happy 111th, harry.

henry john "harry" patch joined the british army in 1916; he participated in trench warfare and is the sole surviving human being to have been wounded in the first world war.

his name was also the latest to be released from major league baseballs list of those who tested positive in 2003 for use of performance enhancing drugs, or, as harry called it, "the sauce."



june 17th, 1898 -