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the illinois senate has at long last voted to legalize and appropriate funding for embryonic stem cell research. this represents a triumph for people who are grounded in reality.

the issue is very simple, folks. its all there, black and white, clear as crystal:

you stole fizzy lifting drinks.


stem cells dont care that theyre being subjected to experimentation because they cant.

senator chris lauzen, a republican who cast a dissenting vote in the 35-23 decision, crafted a lingual tapestry of histrionics for the media as he inserted his tampon: "obviously, we all want cures to diseases. the question is, what are we willing to sacrifice to get them? the unique identity of an individual human being disappears for eternity."

ah, yes.

who doesnt have a fond memory or two of their days as a blastocyst?

are you fucking kidding me?

perhaps senator lauzen doesnt understand that a scientist can remove one or two stem cells without harming a developing embryo. perhaps he believes that its more ethical to perform lethal research on cognizant, non-human primates than on brainless, three day old embryos. perhaps he doesnt know that 50% of women experience miscarriages so early in their pregnancy that they never even realize fertilization occurred. perhaps he has no relatives who might benefit from the vast array of potential medical breakthroughs inherent to stem cell research.

whatever the case may be, the bottom line remains that senator lauzen is a fucking asshole.

i have an extremely difficult time believing people who claim to grieve for the loss of embryonic stem cells. i see no substantive moral standpoint, i find all objections scientifically unreasonable and i simply dont buy the argument.

i just dont.

the benefits of helping people who already have a unique identity far outweigh the detriments of destroying a conglomerate of cells whose sole identity consists of a karyotype.

just shut the fuck up, read the bible or any other holy work of fiction and let the people who realize that faith fixes nothing do their job.

333

last night i watched a tlc program about a severely troubled teenage boy who attempted to end his life by placing a 12-gauge shotgun underneath his chin and pulling the trigger.

he blew his whole face off including his chin, teeth, lips, tongue, mouth, nose, sinus cavities, eyes and forehead.

he missed his brain entirely; several fragments lodged themselves into his skull but he didnt sustain any brain damage whatsoever.

as i listened to his story i couldnt help but think about the all too familiar tragedy it encapsulated:


mental health care professionals must collaborate and teach at-risk children proper trajectories.

334

"candelabrum"

335

and so i embark on what might prove to be the most important journey of my life.



boat drinks, my friends...

336

our cloaked contributor wields a mighty 1.000 average thus far.

if you fail to falter you will win.

if you fail and falter you might win.


batter up.


of the following five statements, which one is false?

1. in 1963, paul foytack of the los angeles angels surrendered four consecutive home runs in a single inning.
2. in 1975, rennie stennett of the pittsburgh pirates recorded six hits during the course of a nine-inning game.
3. in 1959, harvey haddix of the pittsburgh pirates lost a game in which he retired the first 36 consecutive batters.
4. in 1976, toby harrah of the texas rangers played an entire doubleheader at shortstop without fielding a single chance.
5. in 1970, tom seaver of the new york mets struck out the final ten batters he faced in a nineteen strikeout performance.

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"we're opening later to save you more."


it seems as though someone needs an econ 101 refresher.

338

in addition to being one of my all-time favorite porno flicks, the "big bang" represents the prevailing theory as to how the universe emerged circa 13.7 billion years ago.



within 180 seconds following the granddaddy of all cataclysmic events, no less than six distinct epochs commenced, each intriguing in their own right:

1. plancks epoch began 10^-43 seconds after the big bang and ended roughly one-billionth of one second later. during this time the fundamental forces of electromagnetism, strong nuclear forces, weak nuclear forces and gravity unified into a single force.

raising an eyebrow, are you? need i remind you that planck has a fuckin' constant named after him? who doesnt have a heartwarming, yuletide anecdote inextricably intertwined with 6.626068 × 10-34 j*s? not to mention planck's decidedly dapper mustache:



2. the grand unification epoch began 10^-33 seconds after the big bang and concluded at the 10^-12 second marker. in the midst of this epoch gravity distinguished itself from both electromagnetism and the two types of nuclear forces in a complicated process analogous to a lunar landing module separating from apollo 69, which, as coincidence would have it, is also one of my favorite ball-draining betamax cassettes.

few would argue it was tom spanks' professional tour de force.

sometime between the grand unification epoch and the subsequent epoch to be discussed anon the distinct forces of nature as we recognize them materialized.

i know because i was there.

3. the electroweak epoch began one picosecond after the big bang and ended at one microsecond. this epoch can be characterized by cosmic particles attaining mass.

not to be outdone, several billion years later our very own society drained every last smithereen from the health care system by attaining ass.



4. the hadron epoch began one microsecond after the big bang and concluded at one second post-bang. since a microsecond is one one-millionth of one second the total time for this epoch tipped the temporal scales at .999999 seconds which, as you may have noticed, constitutes the longest epoch yet described.

protons and neutrons formed during this blink of time as a consequence of the universe cooling to roughly ten gigakelvins or, if you will, the temperature typically used to self-clean a household oven.

5. the lepton epoch began one second after the big bang and ended 179 seconds later. like hadrons, leptons are subatomic particles. one type of lepton of which you are all aware is none other than an electron. the universe was so insanely torrid during this epoch that nuclear fusion occured leading to the genesis of atoms.

fusing nuclei aint something you do on saturday afternoon with a bunsen burner and a handful of ununhexium.

jada will fill you in with the particulars if youre lucky.



incidentally, i salute those of you who understand the significance of "a lepton is a greek coin."

6. the photon epoch began three minutes after the big bang and concluded 300,000 years later. photons are particles or packets of electromagnetic radiation that are responsible for the phenomenon known as light.

go ahead and flip that switch on the wall. i know youre dying to see them photons wookin' pa nub.

hydrogen and helium, the two most fundamental atoms, began to form upon the conclusion of the photon epoch; our solar system came into being eight and a half billion years later.

everything that happened in between is none of your god damn business.

the next time you want to use an extremely esoteric unit of measurement to describe the passing of time might i suggest a hadron epoch?

"dude, i fuckin' shot my load all over her face for like eight hadron epochs."

got bukkake?


a show of hands for everyone who recognized the number "millillion," please.

i bet some of you were agonizing over whether a millillion was equal to ten to the 3000th power or ten to the 3003rd power.

i shall allay your anxieties, dear readers.

ladies and gentlemen i present "the millillion:"

1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,
000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000


thats ten to the 3003rd power.

count 'em.

crush depth has a special place in his heart for numbers. perhaps some of you share a similar fondness for prodigious digits that come equipped with delightfully preposterous names.

click here for a list of gargantuan numbers that are so ridiculously enormous that they have no practicality other than being excellent fodder for your indefatigable sagacity cannons.

some of crush depth's favorites, you ask?

1. one gogoomump = one followed by 12,000 zeroes
2. one maximusmillion - one followed by one million zeroes
3. one trigintillion = one followed by 9,999,999,999 zeroes
4. one killillion = ten to the 3 millillion 3rd power
5. one fugagargantugoogolplex = gargantugoogolplex raised to the gargantugoogolplex power a gargantugoogolplex times

sources tell crush depth that the next ipod nano will feature an 80 fugagargantugoogolpex gigabyte hard drive although consumers should remember that the actual hard drive capacity will vary due to bundled software and a clock widget.

anyone want to take a stab at defining megafugagargantugoogolplex?


since i cant decide whether or not chicago's wind chill is colder than rex grossman's quarterback rating i might as well segue into a discussion of temperature conversions especially since im not in a position to sermonize first down conversions.

not that im bitter.

rex.

the formula for converting fahrenheit to centigrade is as follows:

tc = (5/9)*(tf-32) where tc = temperature in degrees celsius and tf = temperature in degrees fahrenheit.

we know that water boils at 212 degrees fahrenheit which is equivalent to 100 degrees celsius, dont we?

please say yes using your finest twelve-inch voice.

using the above formula, if you subtract 32 from 212 you get 180; then, if you multiply 180 by 5/9ths you arrive at the expected 100.

you can also quickly check the formula's integrity by using the familiar, equivalent freezing points of 32 degrees fahrenheit and zero degrees centigrade. 32 minus 32 equals zero. the 5/9ths calculation becomes irrelevant since any number multiplied by zero will always be zero unless, of course, youre talking about killillions of hadron epochs in which case you need to carry the two before multiplying by the proscribed fraction.

lets try converting -40 degrees fahrenheit by applying the same formula, shallnt we?

-40 minus -32 equals -72. multiplying -72 times 5/9ths yields -40.

math doesnt lie, my friends.

-40 degrees celsius equals -40 degrees fahrenheit.


feynman's point, named after the esteemed physicist richard feynman, is indeed a series of six consecutive 9s that begins at the 762nd decimal point of pi.



thats the unmistakable smile of a man who knows he has earned a distinguished seat in the annals of "who gives a fuck."

according to wikipedia, "the next sequence of six consecutive digits is again comprised of 9s, starting at position 193,034. the next distinct sequence of six consecutive digits starts with 8 at position 222,299. of the remaining digits, 0 is the last to first repeat 6 times, starting at position 1,699,927."

thirsting for more?

a series of nine consecutive 9s begins at the 564,665,206th decimal point.

if youd like to see the first four million digits of pi please click here.

i suggest printing a copy for your glove compartment.


can you tell the difference between the following two shapes?

figure a:



figure b:



give up?

figure "a" represents a boring circle; figure "b" exemplifies a bitchin' chiliagon.

each of a chilagon's 1,000 angles equals 179.64° which makes it nearly impossible to distinguish the polygon from a perfect circle. the picture below reflects a miniscule section of figure "b."



head to your nearest kinko's, create a highway billboard of the above image and measure the angles with your trusty protractor. i have no doubt youll fall in love with the chiliagon's mystique all over again.

statement number one is a fabrication, folks; "a chiliagon is a polygon with 10,000 sides" is patently false.

lest you run home to momma let it be known that a myriagon proudly boasts 10,000 sides; each angle measures 179.964 degrees.


hell yeah.




the line:

jada: four
verbald: three
brandon: three
anonymous: five
brad: two
eric: three
mindy: one
david in dc: one
chaotic rain: one

339

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

"report: global warming real, man-made"

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

"massive freeze kills seven"