my annual work review has been inked, and boy, let me tell you, i really fucking care.
a lot.
and by the way, you fuckers, theres no such word as "alot."
it doesnt fucking exist.
i dont know why so many otherwise well-versed individuals have incorporated this grammatical atrocity into their literary vernacular but
the fucking fact remains that when you want to express "a lot" then you fucking write "a lot."
alright; the following is a verbatim reproduction of how my cocksucker boss views my contributions as an employee of a motherfucking grocery store.
ten "skills" are listed and defined within ten large rectangles with a subsequent "rating" in a decidedly kindergartenesque box immediately adjacent; i might add my own comments as a pressure valve of sorts, or, as it were, just befuckingcuz.
skill:
customer service; pleasantly greets and makes eye contact with customers. listens attentively to their needs and responds appropriately.
rating: outstanding.
im not sure what planet my boss calls home but i listen about as attentively to customers as i listen to linoleum.
skill:
job knowledge; possesses knowledge and skills necessary to perform the job, understands job requirements and department store functions.
rating: above expectations.
its nice to know that after fifteen fucking years i have still failed to ascertain an
outstanding understanding of a fucking conglomeration of apples. maybe next year.
skill:
quality of work; makes consistent effort to listen, understand and perform tasks required by the job or manager. is accurate and thorough in performing tasks.
rating: outstanding.
how ironic. anytime you begin a sentence with the word "is" with
out a bookend question mark then it aint so fucking thorough, is not it?
then again, our company is staffed by retarded people who are
so retarded that even retarded people recognized that they were retarded and cast them to the sodomites.
skill:
dependability; is prompt when arriving at work, breaks and lunches, and in ending their shift.
rating: meets expectations.
I havent missed a day of work in seven years. i havent punched in late since the 90s.
yeah, i guess thats average.
skill:
appearance; arrives for work appropriately dressed. uniform and name badge worn. complies with all appearance standards.
rating: meets expectations.
i absolutely deserve that rating without so much as a five o' clock shadow of doubt.
skill:
motivation/ initiative; eager to seek increased responsibility, self-starter, recognizes the need for action and reacts appropriately. conveys a sense of urgency.
rating: above expectations.
what conveys a sense of urgency like kiwi? i mean fuckin-a, man! look at all those
seeds!
skill:
teamwork/cooperation; ability to work with others in a manner that benefits all.
rating: above expectations.
skill:
training; ability to learn, use and apply knowledge gained.
rating: meets expectations.
read:
apples.
skill:
involvement; enjoys the demands of the job. works at the level required of their position.
rating: above expectations.
id have to disagree there; i really dont enjoy the demands of the job most likely because there arent any.
skill:
loss prevention; understands shrink. is proactive in reducing shrink.
rating: meets expectations.
its quite possible that yakov smirnoff authored these awesomely articulate "associate performance and development" review worksheets. i included some alliteration in the preceding sentence for those of you who find strength in such endeavors.
and now for the spicy, juicy, candid, scribed portion of the review:
strengths: "jeff exceeds all expectations of a part-time farmstand clerk. jeffs knowledge of the produce business in general and many of the managerial functions is impressive. jeffs quality and quantity of work that he gets done is outstanding. one of jeffs greatest strengths is in the way that he helps customers. another strength is in the manner in which jeff identifies and solves any problems that may arise."
my boss may not be no english professarian but ill be damned if he wasnt whupped silly with the name-writin' talent stick.
improvement opportunities: "i would like to see jeff share his knowledge and experience with newer farmstand associates."
i would like to see a bigger paycheck.
comments: "it is a pleasure to work with someone that takes great pride in their work like jeff obviously does. having jeff in the department is a huge asset. if jeff ever decided to go back into management he would get my recommendation."
to which i laughed aloud.
the denouement:
overall performance rating: above expectations.
overall potential rating: satisfactorily placed.
i would tell you where i satisfactorily placed this steaming pile of corporate excrement but this is a family oriented weblog.
thats more than ive pen-farted in a coons age, folks; i hope you enjoyed this ever so brief sabbatical.
alot.
