415
guarantees dont mean a fucking thing anymore.
can you think of anything that doesnt come with some incarnation of a money back guarantee? twenty-five fucking cent bags of shitty fritos come with a frito fuckin' lay "youll love it or we'll eat it" guarantee.
ridiculous.
every pathetic infomercial product, everything found on every shelf in every store in the entire galaxy, every single type of disposable consumer good, every food item from house brand acorn nuggets to freeze dried zebra mussels, every winch, widget, gadget, gizmo, dohickey, doodad, whatchamacallit and whatnot arrives at my face with an obnoxious guaranfuckintee.
"if our revolutionary non-pollutionary swedish sleep system doesnt feel better than muff diving an angel while getting your nuts tickled by the keebler elves we will return every cent of your hard earned money. we will even let you keep the included cum-guzzling hussy as our way of thanking you for trying our exceptional product. you have nothing to lose!"
except, of course, shipping, handling and a nominal processing fee.
you know what i want to see?
i want a company to unleash a product so deliciously, monumentally awesome that they offer absolutely no guarantee whatsoever.
"our dashboard-mountable hula girls are so fucking majestic that we will give you nothing if youre not completely, totally, unconditionally satisfied! if you dont like our product we dont give a shit because every sane person in every neighborhood in every county in every state in every country in every continent in the entire three million year history of humankind would feverishly rake their nutsack with a serrated melon baller for six and a half straight years just to get the chance to say they touched our mind-bendingly orgasmic product. guarantee? fuck you."
sold.
can you think of anything that doesnt come with some incarnation of a money back guarantee? twenty-five fucking cent bags of shitty fritos come with a frito fuckin' lay "youll love it or we'll eat it" guarantee.
ridiculous.
every pathetic infomercial product, everything found on every shelf in every store in the entire galaxy, every single type of disposable consumer good, every food item from house brand acorn nuggets to freeze dried zebra mussels, every winch, widget, gadget, gizmo, dohickey, doodad, whatchamacallit and whatnot arrives at my face with an obnoxious guaranfuckintee.
"if our revolutionary non-pollutionary swedish sleep system doesnt feel better than muff diving an angel while getting your nuts tickled by the keebler elves we will return every cent of your hard earned money. we will even let you keep the included cum-guzzling hussy as our way of thanking you for trying our exceptional product. you have nothing to lose!"
except, of course, shipping, handling and a nominal processing fee.
you know what i want to see?
i want a company to unleash a product so deliciously, monumentally awesome that they offer absolutely no guarantee whatsoever.
"our dashboard-mountable hula girls are so fucking majestic that we will give you nothing if youre not completely, totally, unconditionally satisfied! if you dont like our product we dont give a shit because every sane person in every neighborhood in every county in every state in every country in every continent in the entire three million year history of humankind would feverishly rake their nutsack with a serrated melon baller for six and a half straight years just to get the chance to say they touched our mind-bendingly orgasmic product. guarantee? fuck you."
sold.
posted by megaton at 12:53 AM
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