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its time to stop comparing low prices to the cost of a few cups of coffee.

has the barrel run so fucking dry that marketers, companies and salespeople cant think of anything but coffee when they try to pawn their bullshit wares?

the analogy was terrible when sally struthers' disgusting face flooded our living rooms ad infinitum throughout the 80s and it was equally horrifying when i read "lets say you start by putting just $7 a week into your 401k...the price of a few cups of coffee..." in my company's profit-sharing newsletter this afternoon.

at least make it amusing by writing "lets say you start by putting just $7 a week into your 401k...the price of a few days wages of the people who harvest your coffee." the mere thought of how financially secure we are compared to many other folks around the world might tempt me enough to donate a few bucks to greenpeace or buy a subscription to swank or send away for a set of the u.s. government's latest shitty state quarters.

"we'll send your gem-mint, uncirculated state quarters with an absolutely free, fuzzy, purple velvet-lined display folder so everyone who comes to your house can see what a fucking moron you are!"

enough.



in other news, i knew the day would eventually arrive but i never realized how soon.

depaul university has sent me their first alumni solicitation for a donation one month shy of my first graduation anniversary.

i guess they figured since im no longer dropping twenty thousand bucks a year on tuition i can afford to just send them money for no reason whatsofuckinever.

i must admit im a little amused by how accomodating they are when it comes to donating which lies in stark contrast to the billions of holds and bullshit restrictions they placed on my student account as soon as it became eight femtoseconds past due.

not only can i donate by check, credit card, electronic funds transfer or even securities but theyre also kind enough to send me, at my request, "information on including depaul university in my will or estate plan."

thats right, my friends:

depaul wants to chase my assets right into the fuckin' cemetary.

i bet theyd send university president rev. holtschneider himself to serve as a pall bearer if i agreed to sign over my rare vinyl collection in the event of my death.

the following is written in boldface, exaggerated font, colored letters on the upper right quadrant of the cover page directly underneath a nauseating photograph of four students smiling as though theyre auditioning for a fucking terry schiavo colgate commercial:

"your donation will help keep depaul going strong."

i dont recall receiving a single such letter before depaul decided to close the barat campus.

then again, college is a business and depaul university represents the chief executive officer.

you unbelievably greedy motherfuckers.




i have donated forty-one cents to the united states postal service.