401

my store manager gave me a $5 gift certificate ("good toward the purchase of any item at any albertsons or its affiliate locations!!!") for my efforts during a district manager store visit late last week.

i thought long and hard about how i was going to spend my bonus until i remembered it was worth 500 cents and i wasnt six years old anymore.

i would feel like a fucking moron handing one of my hard-working associates a five dollar gift card especially in light of the fact that it goes right back into albertson's coffers upon redemption. i think the suits in the front office must have forgotten that several non-retarded employees still remain on the payroll.

jesus fucking corndog christ.

at the very, very least give me a cold hard lincoln backed by our wonderful government so i can fuel my hybrid for another 120 miles and still have enough left over for a nasty, syphilitic blowjob from a delightfully emaciated crack whore down on broadway.

the good news is that ive received a few gift certificates over the years so ive had the opportunity to devise a feasible work-around. i locate the cheapest fucking item in the store, (one grape works nicely), scan my associate card in order to receive an additional 5% discount and convert the balance of the paper gift card to cash. i usually walk away a few cents shy of a finerooski.

ha! you didnt anticipate that einstein shit didja you crackerjack fuckers!



and yeah, jewel really is that pathetic.