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each bottle of aquafina boasts:
"all bottled waters are not the same. aquafina's state-of-the-art hydro-7 purification system consistently removes substances most other bottled waters leave in. so the only thing you taste in your water...is water. aquafina. pure water. perfect taste. every time."
wow. aquafina must be pretty fucking awesome.
too bad the sales pitch sucks.
passive verbs, passive verbs, passive verbs, tsk tsk tsk. i dont know about you guys but i could barely contain myself when i read the exciting action words "are and is." which one of the following two options sounds more appealing to you as a consumer?
option #1: aquafina is good!
option #2: aquafina rocks!
furthermore, how many millions of times have we collectively groaned at the incessant, cliched phrase "not the same" or "not created equal" in terms of a company's attempt to set their product apart from similar items? "all bottled waters are not the same." right off the bat we find ourselves confronted by an ambiguous statement. perhaps every bottled water known to man tastes better and tests purer than aquafina. you dig?
now!
does anyone in the universe besides two hapless assbags in tattered white labcoats know what the fuck constitutes a "hydro-7 purification system?" hydro means water. what the fuck is water-7? is that how many toilets were used as source taps? in any event, pepsico might as well have written "aquafina's state-of-the-art chlorinator destructo gizmoid thingamajiggy v. 3.4 consistently removes..."
anyone with a brain can perform five seconds of research and learn that "hydro-7" refers to little more than a reverse osmosis water filtration system. pick one up at your local home depot for forty-nine ninety nine.
manufacturers take relatively simple concepts and create frequently bizarre and almost always unnecessarily confusing terminologies that make it seem as though some magical process will occur or has occurred. negatively charged ions! space age polymers! viscoelastic memory cells! you what what these phrases mean in english?
air filter! baseball bat! mattress!
onward:
"consistently removes substances most other bottled waters leave in." consistently implies that some bottles contain all the bullshit originally found in uncle joe's tapwater. dont you want a brand that "always" removes unwanted substances? and for fuck's sake let us clasp our hands together and chant "i will never end a sentence with a preposition!"
it simply aint polished.
finally, it seems to me that i shouldnt taste water in my water. my water should taste like a tall glass of cold nothing. oxygen and hydrogen are tasteless; upon taking a huge swig of pure water i should want to throw my arms to the heavens and exclaim boisterously for all corners of the world to behold "holy shit this tastes like absolutely nothing!"
and thus, my friends, a slogan for aquafina arises:
"aquafina. nothing has not never tasted so much like nothing!"
"all bottled waters are not the same. aquafina's state-of-the-art hydro-7 purification system consistently removes substances most other bottled waters leave in. so the only thing you taste in your water...is water. aquafina. pure water. perfect taste. every time."
wow. aquafina must be pretty fucking awesome.
too bad the sales pitch sucks.
passive verbs, passive verbs, passive verbs, tsk tsk tsk. i dont know about you guys but i could barely contain myself when i read the exciting action words "are and is." which one of the following two options sounds more appealing to you as a consumer?
option #1: aquafina is good!
option #2: aquafina rocks!
furthermore, how many millions of times have we collectively groaned at the incessant, cliched phrase "not the same" or "not created equal" in terms of a company's attempt to set their product apart from similar items? "all bottled waters are not the same." right off the bat we find ourselves confronted by an ambiguous statement. perhaps every bottled water known to man tastes better and tests purer than aquafina. you dig?
now!
does anyone in the universe besides two hapless assbags in tattered white labcoats know what the fuck constitutes a "hydro-7 purification system?" hydro means water. what the fuck is water-7? is that how many toilets were used as source taps? in any event, pepsico might as well have written "aquafina's state-of-the-art chlorinator destructo gizmoid thingamajiggy v. 3.4 consistently removes..."
anyone with a brain can perform five seconds of research and learn that "hydro-7" refers to little more than a reverse osmosis water filtration system. pick one up at your local home depot for forty-nine ninety nine.
manufacturers take relatively simple concepts and create frequently bizarre and almost always unnecessarily confusing terminologies that make it seem as though some magical process will occur or has occurred. negatively charged ions! space age polymers! viscoelastic memory cells! you what what these phrases mean in english?
air filter! baseball bat! mattress!
onward:
"consistently removes substances most other bottled waters leave in." consistently implies that some bottles contain all the bullshit originally found in uncle joe's tapwater. dont you want a brand that "always" removes unwanted substances? and for fuck's sake let us clasp our hands together and chant "i will never end a sentence with a preposition!"
it simply aint polished.
finally, it seems to me that i shouldnt taste water in my water. my water should taste like a tall glass of cold nothing. oxygen and hydrogen are tasteless; upon taking a huge swig of pure water i should want to throw my arms to the heavens and exclaim boisterously for all corners of the world to behold "holy shit this tastes like absolutely nothing!"
and thus, my friends, a slogan for aquafina arises:
"aquafina. nothing has not never tasted so much like nothing!"
posted by megaton at 9:16 PM
1 Comments:
I'm a tap water kind of girl...but I am amazed at how many different waters I see in the stores...it's water. You can't make it taste any different. Well I guess it could be crappy water.
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