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last night i registered for tcf bank's online account management system in order to avoid calling the bank every time i needed to obtain a current checking account balance.
i completed all the requisite fields we all encounter every single fucking time we create an account for anything. after selecting a user name and password i was directed to the main accounts page.
all i expected to see was my checking account number with links to various checking account related information.
i saw more.
oh yes, my eyes witnessed scores more.
in the fall of 2000 i opened a savings account with tcf for the retrospectively silly reason that they offered a ten dollar in-store gift card for new customers; i then proceeded to entirely forget about the account for the better part of the next seven years.
thats 84 months.
i called a tcf representative to verify that they hadnt fucked up by incorrectly attributing another person's account to my social security number, which, by the way, is 219-85-3452.
i zipped through all the security questions lickity-split and yeah, fuck yeah, that shit was motherfuckin' mine.
onward!
two facts blew me away throughout this ultimately bounteous process; one, although it was an interest-bearing account, the interest rate was one one-thousandth of one percent.
thats .001%, my decimally gifted friends.
perhaps the 34 cents my account accumulated over the past seven years explains why tcf never sent me annual 1099 forms so i could report the four and 5/6th of a cent i earned every year to the i.r.s.
second, and this is what youve so patientfuckingly been waiting for me to write, i received a five hundred and six dollar payday out of thin air.
had i never bothered to create an online account i likely never would have known about the missing funds especially in light of tcf's decidedly unscrupulous practice of treating accounts as dormant should they fail to show activity for a period of three months.
what a bunch of grinches.
what a bunch of santas.
the moral of the story?
fucking check your shit and make sure you dont have missing funds from a veritable caboodle of potential sources. ask any banks with whom you have ever had an account whether or not you have any additional accounts from years past. check your state's unclaimed money registry to see if you have any inheritances, interest bearing ledgers or safety deposit boxes of which you might be unaware. consult credit card companies to ensure you dont have a negative balance as a possible consequence of cash back awards, rebates or overpayments.
i thought about donating the money to the salvation army guy who incessantly rings his godawful dah-ding dah-ding dah-ding bell outside the store but then i decided nah, ill just go with the hooker.
i completed all the requisite fields we all encounter every single fucking time we create an account for anything. after selecting a user name and password i was directed to the main accounts page.
all i expected to see was my checking account number with links to various checking account related information.
i saw more.
oh yes, my eyes witnessed scores more.
in the fall of 2000 i opened a savings account with tcf for the retrospectively silly reason that they offered a ten dollar in-store gift card for new customers; i then proceeded to entirely forget about the account for the better part of the next seven years.
thats 84 months.
i called a tcf representative to verify that they hadnt fucked up by incorrectly attributing another person's account to my social security number, which, by the way, is 219-85-3452.
i zipped through all the security questions lickity-split and yeah, fuck yeah, that shit was motherfuckin' mine.
onward!
two facts blew me away throughout this ultimately bounteous process; one, although it was an interest-bearing account, the interest rate was one one-thousandth of one percent.
thats .001%, my decimally gifted friends.
perhaps the 34 cents my account accumulated over the past seven years explains why tcf never sent me annual 1099 forms so i could report the four and 5/6th of a cent i earned every year to the i.r.s.
second, and this is what youve so patientfuckingly been waiting for me to write, i received a five hundred and six dollar payday out of thin air.
had i never bothered to create an online account i likely never would have known about the missing funds especially in light of tcf's decidedly unscrupulous practice of treating accounts as dormant should they fail to show activity for a period of three months.
what a bunch of grinches.
what a bunch of santas.
the moral of the story?
fucking check your shit and make sure you dont have missing funds from a veritable caboodle of potential sources. ask any banks with whom you have ever had an account whether or not you have any additional accounts from years past. check your state's unclaimed money registry to see if you have any inheritances, interest bearing ledgers or safety deposit boxes of which you might be unaware. consult credit card companies to ensure you dont have a negative balance as a possible consequence of cash back awards, rebates or overpayments.
i thought about donating the money to the salvation army guy who incessantly rings his godawful dah-ding dah-ding dah-ding bell outside the store but then i decided nah, ill just go with the hooker.
posted by megaton at 7:38 PM
3 Comments:
that happened to me but with an employer that had a retirement fund that they didn't actually tell the employees about. an old timer at the company told me about it right before i quit. mine came to the amount of $3,500 and if i would'nt have found out about it the money would have been put back into the company fund. it took one phone call and i got a check a week later.
so Merry Hooker or Merry Christmas whichever comes first...heh
peace on earth... or piece of ass???
well... they're both pretty good!!
Hookers need love too.
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