415

guarantees dont mean a fucking thing anymore.

can you think of anything that doesnt come with some incarnation of a money back guarantee? twenty-five fucking cent bags of shitty fritos come with a frito fuckin' lay "youll love it or we'll eat it" guarantee.

ridiculous.

every pathetic infomercial product, everything found on every shelf in every store in the entire galaxy, every single type of disposable consumer good, every food item from house brand acorn nuggets to freeze dried zebra mussels, every winch, widget, gadget, gizmo, dohickey, doodad, whatchamacallit and whatnot arrives at my face with an obnoxious guaranfuckintee.

"if our revolutionary non-pollutionary swedish sleep system doesnt feel better than muff diving an angel while getting your nuts tickled by the keebler elves we will return every cent of your hard earned money. we will even let you keep the included cum-guzzling hussy as our way of thanking you for trying our exceptional product. you have nothing to lose!"

except, of course, shipping, handling and a nominal processing fee.

you know what i want to see?

i want a company to unleash a product so deliciously, monumentally awesome that they offer absolutely no guarantee whatsoever.

"our dashboard-mountable hula girls are so fucking majestic that we will give you nothing if youre not completely, totally, unconditionally satisfied! if you dont like our product we dont give a shit because every sane person in every neighborhood in every county in every state in every country in every continent in the entire three million year history of humankind would feverishly rake their nutsack with a serrated melon baller for six and a half straight years just to get the chance to say they touched our mind-bendingly orgasmic product. guarantee? fuck you."


sold.

416

a warning appears on the informational insert in my mirtazapine soltab box:

"antidepressants increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior (suicidality) in short-term studies in children and adolescents with major depressive disorder (mdd) and other psychiatric disorders. anyone considering the use of remeron soltabs (mirtazapine) or any other antidepressant in a child or adolescent must balance this risk with the clinical need."

i wonder how a psychiatrist might posit this information to the parents of a child who has recently been diagnosed with mdd?

"mr. and mrs. cranklewicknicky. your daughter maya suffers from a condition classified in dsm-iv as major depressive disorder. we normally treat depression by prescribing antidepressant medication. the antidepressant medication will improve maya's mood; however, it will also increase her risk of engaging in suicidal thoughts and behaviors. i know this is a difficult time for all of you but i want you to consider the following: although she might feel depressed right now, she wont feel a thing after she hangs herself. will that be cash or charge?"

for those of you who enjoy sculpting your neurons i happen to be privy to the physiological explanation that underlies an antidepressant's seemingly paradoxical tendency to increase suicidal behavior:

profoundly depressed individuals lack physical vitality and therefore spend much of their time either sleeping or curled up on a couch. upon beginning an antidepressant regimen they begin to feel better. as their mood improves they concomitantly participate in more and more physical activity.


like finding rope.

417

the detritus.



the prelude.



the crescendo.



the fury.



the zenith.



the smolder.



the denouement.



the end.

418

depaul finally mailed my diploma this afternoon.

fidelity approved and delivered my loan this afternoon.

toyota released my black prius from port this afternoon.

adoption counseling services contacted me this afternoon.

it would be fitting if the illinois state police called this afternoon.



convergence.

419

sticks and stones to silicon and satellites to sand and sea.

the farther we go the nearer genesis shadows us.

420

"thereisnoinsanityratherasupersanitymoresuitedforlife
attheendofthe20thcenturywhereeverythingisartandeverything
istryingtoexpressitwhereeverythingisartandeverythingistrying
tocommunicateitallintelligentbeingssleepthedreamingofdreams
andtheyveallcomeuptomeetmetonightalthoughwhileinthemorning
alltheirwonderandtheirglorywasturneduglyandquitesimplelikeavenue
whenyourloadingingearsexualityeroticisminasexualpersuasionsman
orwomanmakesnodifferenceintheoutcomenofashionnotolerancefor
stupidityorignoranceadidasorthearchdeluxeandtimeisnowanobject
oh!boomboomboommy!boomboomboomfuh!boomboomboomking!
boomboomboomGOD!"

421

the secret to buying an elusive vehicle is to communicate not only that you will write a check for the entire price upon delivery but also that you do not wish to be contacted again unless the dealer can accommodate your request.

it fucking works.

for two weeks i have played the bullshit run-around game with toyota dealers who keep telling me that the delivery time for a 2006 prius touring edition remains 3-6 months. last night i left a succinct email that politely yet aggressively explained my stance.

lo and behold i received a call today; the dealership magically, mystically, miraculously found the model i want for delivery the week of october 13th.

right now im waiting for the manager to call me and tell me that she has the exact package i desire.

somehow i think shell be able to find one.

422

can you see the single thread of silk attached to her leg?

whatcha gonna build, sister?

423

so begins a long awaited two week sabbatical from the steaming vomit pile known as jewel-osco.

one of these days ill take you on a tour of my pay stub house of horrors; jewel sucks so much out of my paychecks that they might as well enter the black hole business.

last week i earned a thousand dollars and i took home a miserly six franklins. moreover, since i spent the first half of the year completing my degree my average weekly workload didnt translate to full-time status; hence, my vacation checks will only reflect 21 hours per week. ive averaged 48 hours per week over the past three months so my bottom pecuniary line for the year will appear as though one week of my life vanished like a fart in the wind.

you know what, though?

time can far surpass money in terms of both psychological and physiological value. my spine feels like the hunchback of nostradamus looks and im an eyelash away from slaughtering every customer in sight by meathooking each of them to a medieval trebuchet and launching them headlong into the caspian sea where they can enjoy death by briny evisceration.

but enough about red lobster's dinner menu.

424

i think people who are always happy never entirely grasp the magic behind the moment.

i think people who experience depression find unique solace in wondrous minutiae.

i think i mistakenly view my depression as a hindrance rather than an impetus.

i think im driven because of my depression rather than in spite of my depression.

i think im one of the fortunate.

425

it tastes better.

426

rev. donald wildmon, head of the american family association, is a fucking asshole.

he wants the two million members of his colostomy bag association to file fcc complaints because cbs recently aired a 9/11 documentary in which firefighters audibly scream naughty words.

lewis black was absolutely correct when he said that “theres no such thing as bad language.” we use words like “fuck” and “shit” because they adequately express sentiments that other words simply cannot attain.

when we lose a job we don’t snap our fingers in a sweeping crescent motion while screaming “crumbs!” we are fucking pissed fucking off and we fucking want remediation as fucking quickly as fucking possible.

furthermore, as bill maher pointed out last week on hbo’s “real time,” what were 9/11 rescue workers supposed to say as a commercial airliner containing 11,000 gallons of jet fuel crashed at five hundred miles an hour into a skyscraper filled with thousands of human beings? “golly! a frickin’ plane just smashed into the tower!”

gimme a fucking break.

reverand motherfucker wildmon commented “during the course of the program, cbs affiliates chose to broadcast multiple obscenities over the public airwaves at a time they knew children would be watching."

listen carefully you fucking moron:

programs chronicling the hellish events of september 11th are not intended for children.

for the benefit of assholes like wildmon ill unleash the gospel once again: “documentaries of the 9/11 nightmare are not appropriate for children.”

people who are genuinely concerned about the emotional and psychological welfare of their young children don’t show them horrific crime scene photos or plop them in front of the television to watch saving private ryan; likewise, responsible parents dont let their kids witness mass murder on live television.

the reverand seems to have entirely lost sight of the bigger, far more important picture. "traditional values" is a bullshit phrase as well as a maligned juxtaposition. the most important human values are timeless and have nothing to do with tradition; rather, they perenially encompass empathy, compassion, kindness and a willingness to help others in times of need. firefighters screamed “fuck!” because they saw other humans in extreme peril and that’s how they viscerally expressed their extraordinary concern.

you want to know the difference between assholes like you and heroes, reverand wildmon?

after blurting the word “fuck,” rescue workers ran into burning buildings to selflessly assist their fellow human beings. you ran into the fcc building to selfishly assist your image.


shame on you, you fucking asshole.

427

a piece of spider silk as long as the circumference of the earth would weigh approximately ten ounces.

in a related story, the word circumference contains the word cum.

428

my truck shall soon be laid to waste.

as much as i love the look and feel of trucks i simply cant afford to pay for gas that grants me twelve miles per gallon. every time i fill the tank i watch in horror as the meter surpasses 80 fat ones.

i feel like a british lad must feel when the petrol gauge beckons. gasoline has been about a gadillion dollars a liter in europe since man first enjoyed the benefits of bipedal locomotion. the only hummer youll see in england will be on a videotape marked "adults only."

i think i might go ahead and purchase a toyota prius hybrid. besides getting 55 or so highway miles per gallon i will receive a tax leniency come the fifteenth of april. a full ten gallon tank of gas in a prius allows a ridiculous seven hundred miles of distance; my dodge ram, on the other hand, takes me three hundred miles for every twenty-six gallon tank.

aint that a bitch?

i think ill miss the roar of my engine the most. i have taken so many awesome, noctural road trips with nothing but the sound and fury of eight combustion-fired pistons to placate my weathered body. the soothing drone never failed me.

i will also pine for the joys of blowing everyone away on snowy nights with four wheel drive. adorning my 4wd shift is a silver skull with crimson eyes in its sunken sockets. as soon as i yanked on the macabre gearshift and felt all four tires munch the pavement i knew my truck was ready to plow through the gates of hell.

i could drag a house through the mountains with good old george.

429

come for the regular unleaded.

stay for the mid-grade.

430

five years ago this morning 280 million american people slept as the sun slowly ascended from the east.

2,976 individuals awakened to its early autumn warmth one last time.

"may the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. may the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. and until we meet again, may god hold you in the hollow of his hand.”



may you be at peace.

431

a letter arrived from the managing director at the ufcw mastercard headquarters:

"dear jeff,

your excellent credit history has earned you a limited time bonus check promotional rate adjustment to a low apr of 6.9%...you must use your bonus checks before 11/30/06 to lock in your low apr of 6.9%...use your attached bonus checks before the 11/30/06 deadline...this special opportunity is temporary...your low 6.9% bonus check apr is available only until 11/30/06...be sure to use your bonus checks before the impending adjustment deadline to get your low 6.9% apr...your low 6.9% apr cannot be offered indefinitely...act before 11/30/06 to take advantage of this low 6.9% apr locked in rate."


jesus fucking christ on a popsicle stick.

they dont need to repeat the same message a billion fucking times for me to understand.


the bonus checks obviously last forever.

432

you pick up the darndest things when you drive 160 miles to southwestern michigan with one end of your four wheel drive crankshaft whipsawing along the highway at eighty miles an hour.

in this case i managed to drag a fifty foot length of government owned rubber tubing for the ride of its life.

had i nailed a pothole with any significant downward chassis momentum i probably would have pole-vaulted my ram into light truck oblivion.

rubber dreadlocks and all.

433

three distinct individuals apologized to me this afternoon in between asking a question and waiting for a response. in each instance i suppose my eyes looked as though they would drill a gaping wound through their occipital protuberance.

i felt sorry for two of the customers; i think they misinterpreted my enervation for agitation. the third individual, however, made the contemptuous mistake of blurting "excuse me excuse me!" while i was in the obvious midst of assisting another customer. people who act as though they are the only person on the planet will be treated as such. i dont fucking hear you because youre the sole human occupant on earth.

you dig?

after so many negative interactions its difficult for me to maintain an aura of optimism. i assume that each and every customer either has a snobby question or a downright complaint. in thirteen years of retail experience i can count the number of times a customer has expressed a sincere accolade on two paws.

negativity has manifested itself in an increasing array of guises as of late. even simple questions are now articulated using oppositional or even defiant linguistic paradigms. instead of politely asking "do you have any potatoes?" i notice that more and more people are saying "you dont have any potatoes?" they inquire by positing a negative.

the aggregative effects of such antagonistically connotated interactions are tiring.


on the opposite side of the susan b. anthony:

what the fuck happened to the art of handshakes?

i cant stand folks who have no idea how to shake hands; im sick of limp wristed, half-palm, lamar-from-revenge-of-the-nerds hackjob handshakes. a respectable handshake doesnt have to feel like your digits are being crushed by a vice grip. a worthy handshake simply requires solid, entire hand contact and one or two authoritative pumps.

nuclear physics it aint.

furthermore, unless someone looks me squarely in the eye while in the process of giving me a handshake i automatically infer that they dont give a shit. those who rivet their eyes on the floor or otherwise askew need not bother.

show some class.

434

the only good thing about laboring on labor day is that i get paid eight cents an hour instead of the usual three. i plan to buy a swiffer with my spoils; judging by the antics of the woman in the commercial i simply wont need anything else in order to grow old and grey in a state of perennial euphoria.

a woman greeted me during my shift by stating "your grapes look terrible." i felt so fucking bad because i planted, grew and harvested the grapes all by myself. i personally grow everything we sell in our department in between my nightly trips to the dark side of the moon.

it might not surprise the lion's share of my faithful readership to learn that i responded by saying "so does your face. thank you for shopping jewel-osco."



"people around the world. join hands. start a love train. love train. people around the world. join hands. start a love train. love train."

435

1962-2006

436

doomsday approaches:

"...jeff was sweeping the onion skins and when i interrupted him with a question, he put the broom down, gave me his full attention and took me to the produce in question. he verified the price for me and offered suggestions. he had a pleasant and helpful attitude."


final score 72.5%

437

if i got one penny from each person on the planet i would have a lot of fucking pennies.