438

the associated press reports that president bush marked the first anniversary of hurricane katrina by blowing his load into a barrel of crude oil.

439

my vincent d'onofrio impression.

440

a customer approached my co-worker guillermo this afternoon; somewhere in the midst of their interaction she apparently told him that the reason she cant find an occupation is because mexican people have saturated the job market in the united states.

guillermo, a man of great pride and integrity, hails from mexico. he is the nicest, most sincere man i know and he works his fucking ass off. he is in his mid fifties, he has a twenty-five year old son with cerebral palsy and he always, always, always has a smile on his face. he frequently speaks about his two sons, his daughter and his wife with a sparkle in his eyes. he is also extraordinarily bright. i never had to train him; he simply observes and immediately learns.

had i overheard the conversation i probably would have told the customer that she needed to leave the store.

however, instead of becoming confrontational or otherwise stooping to her decidedly nonexistent level of intellect, he warmly replied "apply here and work with me!"

wow.

not only did he bite his tongue while remaining calm but he also maintained the presence of mind to offer a lighthearted, positive resolution to her despicable, repulsive comment.

you have a wonderful gift, g.


im honored to be your friend.

441

a woman came into the store with her young son today and began rummaging through our mountainous display of 98-cent cantaloupes. i was busy refilling them; she concurrently stayed out of my way and didnt mill around for an assist like a circus retard awaiting a multicolored bouquet of cotton candy.

a good customer, you might venture to say.

i then heard her utter several words to her hyperglycemic son of which my ears have never been graced in over thirteen years of produce experience:

"cantaloupes dont ripen after theyre picked so lets find a nice yellow one."

as i began the process of picking my jaw up from the floor the rarest of events transpired; i initiated conversation with an actual customer.

"thats the first time ive heard that during my entire time here," i said. "you are absolutely right. most people dont realize that green ones will never ripen and become sweeter. if it gets softer it just means its decaying."

she smiled amicably and nodded as though i was a circus retard awaiting a multicolored bouquet of cotton candy.

i didnt care, however, because i was awestruck by this most unexpected verification that at least one of our customers has a functioning cerebral cortex.

"way to go," i said, walking away with just a hint of a smile.

442

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

"image of jesus spotted on m.r.i.?"


no.

the cocksucker aint on your grilled cheese, door pane, lingonberry pancake, potato chip, matzah ball, lint collector, grape juice stain, ink spill or foggy mirror either, you fucking morons.

443

you know what i like about hispanic beverages produced by jarritos, goya, and jumex?

they dont fuck around with high fructose corn syrup.

they use sugar.

444

imagine if you could take anything in your home and resell it for full, original retail price.

anything.

go ahead and fork it over for some crispy cash -- mended raggedy stuffed animal gremlins, incandescent yellow carry-on luggage pieces, forehead smashed jolt cola cans, ruptured boogie nights bone-rattling subwoofers, 2 live crew cassette tapes, panasonic 2-head vcrs, paper bag covered eighth grade geometry textbooks, chipped and slightly coffee stained jade dragon bic pen-holding mugs, honus wagner bobblehead keychains, fingerprinted night train whiskey bottles, dead milkmen embroidered throw rugs, worn-down-to-the-nub scantron approved #2 pencils, mickey spilane pulp fiction paperback novels, mannheim steamroller "christmas in sarajevo" ep compact disks, 15-25 pound baby boy disposable huggies diapers, shatter resistant plastic browns chicken side dish sporks, broken inkless hewlett-packard printers, vintage apple IIc computers, german beastiality porno magazines, jet black wix oil filters, black death clove cigarettes, tattered yet patched soybean farmer overalls, splintered ergonomically unsuitable rocking chairs, spooled coaxial cables, 9-volt duracell batteries, overexposed 35mm film stock, disposable freshlook moonlight contact lenses, solid black skechers vader sneakers, drunken poofy santa hats, irish travel guides, "came with the box" walkman headphones, gain "splash of honeydew" fabric softener bottles, dull toolbox awls, carrot stained juiceman juicers, kleenex moisturizing vitamin e tissues, original flavor house brand nyquil, dimaggio baseball-card-in-the-spokes schwinn bicycles, corrugated fifty p.s.i. rated shipping boxes, benny hill's greatest hits dvds, return of the living dead 3 theatrical posters, lickable snozzberry wonka wallpaper, disposable 24-shot ralph's flash cameras, abrasive oatmeal soap on a rope, uncle dan's minty fluoride teeth whitening toothpaste tubes, snot-covered duplex legos, rhinestone costume anklets, operation (youre the doctor!) board games, ridiculously long charleston chew wrappers, vanilla scented votive candles, trashy pin-up girl zippo lighters, glow in the dark tamarind flavored latex condoms, treasure island pinochle playing cards, john deere diesel lawn mowers, bazooka joe gum rectangles, rusty home depot garden trowels, fruit essence felt tip magic markers, second series garbage pail kids, college ruled organic chemistry lab notebooks, mangled hand-knit doghouse quilts, sharper image leather ottomans, four cubic feet freon leaking dorm refrigerators, menards shimmering paint cans, chinese character inscribed ping pong balls, mikey's strawberry flavored pop rocks, ozone depleting christina applegate hairspray, grandma's gaudy oversized lamp shades, marlboro red smoke infused yellow window curtains, hopelessly endlessly tangled silver slinkys, obvious knock-off "sunday in the park with george" prints, pecan pie crusts, chanel no. 5 perfume spritzers, pennzoil 5w-30 quarts, ace energy efficient 80-watt light bulbs, grass stained lacrosse shin guards, fractured red silly putty container eggs, officemax multicolored half-inch safety pins, high school cross country varsity letter windbreakers, wilted poinsettia house decor plants, big league chew tobacco pouches, chandlers day planners, california king swedish sleep systems, purple plastic care bears, evian mountain spring water bottles, 80's knee-high tube socks, bluetooth enabled trackball mice, razr v-cast g.p.s. enhanced cell phones, mr. peanut peanut butter monocles, tranxene benzodiazepine prescriptions, compressed helium corel reef snorkeling gear, sheared badminton shuttlecock birdies, six foot color changing glass water bongs, home economics antique wood lathes, kibbles 'n bits 'n bits 'n bits, tomato shaped sewing pin cushions, plastic tropical fruit ornaments, squeaky rubber winter galoshes, impossible to quietly open armoires, half-set lincoln log accessories and attache enclosed backgammon sets.


...to name just a couple possibilities.

445

lets get something straight once and for all:

juries do not find suspects innocent.

juries find suspects not guilty.

huge, huge difference.

446

as read in the metro section of today's edition of the chicago sun-times:

"a limo driver found slumped over his steering wheel friday night at midway airport died from heart disease, an autopsy saturday determined. michael kaotodenko, 59, of glenview, was found in the drop-off lane at the airport."

im sure michael's bereaved family embraced the sun-times' decision to use the phrase "drop-off."

447

"do you have any mung bean sprouts?"

i looked at the customer with my head slightly tilted for a half second because few people have prefaced "bean sprouts" with "mung" during my thirteen year tenure in the produce department. i know what mung bean sprouts are for the simple reason that i have sprouted them myself using the finest, organically produced seeds. ive never been one to turn down a nice crunchy bean sprout or two.

"sure," i said. "right over here."

i led her to the item.

"no, these arent them," she said. "im a chinese chef."

the hilarity of her last statement aside, when it comes to produce i know exactly what im talking about more than 99% of the time. mung beans appear white once theyve sprouted for two reasons: one, they are grown in complete darkness which inhibits almost all chlorophyll development; second, and perhaps alarming to the discerning reader, commercially grown sprouts including those of the mung variety are treated with a solution containing bleach.

and you thought clorox was just for kids.

anyway, my canned reponse to morons who clearly have no idea what theyre talking about is "okay then we dont carry them."

ive never understood why people ask me questions and then dismiss my answers as if the only reason they inquired in the first place was to hear their own voice.

"you see mung beans are green lentils..."

"--yeah we dont carry them."

i then gave her a resounding thumbs up to intimate how stupid she would feel when she arrived home, performed a little research and realized that the ingredient she needed was exactly the item to which i escorted her during her trip to our pathetic little store.


what sorry, stupid people.

448

fixing the bullshit that prompted my check engine light to whir ended up costing a healthy $1,130.10, which, by the way, didnt include the cost of the gasoline that got me to the service shop. i always found it somewhat amusing that people burn gas while driving to get more gas.

impossible to avoid, yes, but worth a four second ponder while youre riding the porcelain queen one morning.

in any event, my father drove me to the garage to pick up my pickup and offered to foot the bill if i promised never to subject myself to the tattoo gun ever again.



i paid with cash.

449

the crew and i at the wisconsin state fair.

and yeah, that was a sentence fragment.


this shot reminded me of the cover art on pearl jam's classic "ten" album.

a fitting salute to a fantastic journey.

450

my oh my.

a scant two months have passed and already this train is only 87.5 units away from its final destination.

451

today was the first day in my life that i experienced worrisome chest pain. i had a similar discomfort one day last summer when i worked at evergreen lane farm; however, im sure travelling uphill fifty times with a wheelbarrow chock full of shit compost during two thousand degree, sultry heat played a primary role in that incident.

i realize that eating seven metric tons of saturated, hydrogenated oil-drenched goodies at the state fair did nothing to shampoo my arteries. i also understand that im waddling around with thirty excess pounds of sausage and assorted pastries. furthermore, the only time i actually participate in cardiovascular exercise is when i find myself in the ghastly predicament of frantically searching for some sort of remote control.

but for the love of christs magical mystery tour cock im only 28 motherfucking years old.

i suppose this represents one major disadvantage of being adopted; for all i know my father died of a massive heart attack ten years ago. perhaps serendipity is shining down on me in that i finally got my adoption papers notarized last week and sent them to the illinois adoption registry. in addition to meeting mein pappa biologica i would like to know what kinds of glorious health problems i can expect to grapple with as time marches ever onward.

i hope the chest pain is simply my body's way of confirming that jewel foods is indeed the devil's grocery store.

i guess it could also be a combination of panic disorder, agoraphobia and tolerance to medications that used to effectively combat such pathoses. im used to feeling disoriented, light-headed and anxious. prolonged discomfort on the upper left side of my chest, nevertheless, is a novelty i welcome almost as much as i embrace chronic diarrhea. at least i didnt feel shooting pain radiating down my left arm; this clinical offshoot of angina pectoris signals a dire insufficiency of blood to the heart. once that occurs your chest is likely to receive a date with the defibrillator.

oh well.


in the wonderful world of good news i received an "a" on the forensic scientist written test.

ring, you little cellular telephone.

fucking ring.

452

thats right, baby.

453

i will be at the wisconsin state fair until sunday night.




hello, cream puffs.

454

"not
a
prayer
of
hope
or
re
demp
tion
in
your
eyes.
hell
ex
plo
ded
on
this
earth
to
take
all
thats
a
live.
stand
ing
at
the
face
of
death
ter
ror
stea
ling
your
last
breath..."

455

...and i shall make it my quest in life to fuck in as many public places as possible.

456

i took four milligrams of alprazolam today.

i still feel like im on edge but i definitely feel better. the more alprazolam i take the more i feel like the capable person that lurks within the murky shadow of my inner demons.

when i ingest xanax, my cognitive skills sharpen, my concentration improves, my communication abilities skyrocket, my interest in sex intensifies and my personal aspirations blow the roof off the house.

sometimes i feel like hugh laurie's "house" character.

im constantly in pain yet im able to function at an acceptable mental level when i chug granddaddy's ole cough syrup. stacking it with alcohol makes me even more lucid.

counterintuitive?

fuck yes.

reality?

fuck yes.

am i fucked?

fuck yes.

457

as read on the comcast.net homepage:

paris hilton to magazine: "im celibate."

________________________________


jeffrey daniel to blogger: "im jesus."

458

have you ever been to a party, asked someone if they wanted a piece of cake and listened to them respond "okay but just give me a drop." ?

what the fuck is a drop of cake?

459

"we shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time."

- t.s. eliot

460

mel gibson sucks.

people who say "i fuckin' hate niggers" when theyre drunk mean what they say. the same goes for celebrities who hit the bottle a little too hard and express their feelings about those of the jewish faith.

you seek damage control, mel. no cure exists for hatred. you are who you are and now the world knows.

youre an anti-semite like your father and you deserve no redemption.

i hope your career finds the bottom of the pacific.

461

on and on and on and on and on and on we go.

an announcement on the intercom:

"farmstand dial 329 please...farmstand please dial 329."

i dial 329.

"hello?" the voice says.

"hey," i say.

"a gentleman wants a rain check for some sort of processed romaine leaves?"

"yes," i reply. "theyre called garden cuts romaine. we are sold out so go ahead and write a rain check for $1.99 each."

"okay, a dollar ninety-----"

"EIGHT!" the customer interrupts so loudly that i can clearly hear his voice through the phone.

i laugh loud enough for him to clearly hear.

"okay, a dollar ninety-EIGHT," i say.

"thanks," the service desk employee replies using jewel's secret "these customers are so fucked up" vocal inflection.

one cent.

buy two hundred bags and youll receive the 201st on the house, fucker.

___________________________________

two hours elapse.

"excuse me!" a customer says. "are these oranges a dollar each?"

i peer at the sign, which, incidentally, is written in english. it reads ".99 each."

"correct," i say.


notice any interesting differences between the two vignettes, do yah?

462

"eighty-eight cents a cantaloupe? whats wrong with them?" she asked.

asian bird flu. hanta virus. shrapnel. measles mumps rubella. exxon. diarrhea. hindenburg. sewage. chernobyl. sweatshop. ebola. ricin. gangrene. staph. olestra. razor blade. arsenic. ipecac. e. coli. chairman mao. grenade.

"nothing," i said.

"give me a good one!" she demanded.

fuck you. blow me. up yours. screw you. piss off. eat me. die.

"enjoy," i said, forking one over that was guaranteed to suck.

463

six days remain until agalloch finally, finally, finally releases "ashes against the grain."

in the meantime, check out riverside's song "i turned you down" here. scroll down a bit until you find the stream.

as much as i live and die for mind-bending thrash, the lush atmosphere and haunting chorus of the track delivers a deliciously evocative soundscape.

riverside might be the only decent progressive metal band that hails from poland.

"...i wish you told me that befooooooooore
i wish you told me that befoooooooore
i wish you told me that befoooooooore..."

464

pacman fever is once again fucking my shit up like a performer in gay pornography.

i started playing a flash version of pacman several weeks ago and it has consumed me far more than i wish to admit. my best score so far is 76,360. i have no idea how someone attained a score of 600,000.

unlike the original arcade version in which the ghosts were nothing more than meandering, hapless retards, the ghosts in the flash version work in cahoots and gangbang the shit out of poor little pacmeister.

enjoy a blast from the past by clicking right fucking here.


dont say i didnt warn you.

465

i filled out an "illinois department of public health adoption registry and medical information exchange application" this evening. somewhere in the great wide open i have two biological parents i have never met nor seen.

one night in the latter half of 1977 my eighteen year old biological father fucked the shit out of my seventeen year old biological mother; one of his "y" chromosome sperm ultimately found its way to her egg and created the individual who created this post.

i know little else except for a brief medical history and general demographic information. i know they both had at least six brothers and sisters (!!!) and i know that i am primarily swedish and german. i know that they never married or stayed together as a couple. i know that i have at least several half-siblings. i know that my father tried to contact me fifteen years ago but my adoptive parents decided not to share any information with either me or him at the time. i also know that neither or them -- not even my mother during childbirth -- has ever seen me. a curtain was placed between her eyes and her vagina during delivery. i was taken to an adoption clinic and brought home by my adoptive parents several days later. i weighed eight pounds.

thats about all i know.

my parents informed me that i was adopted as soon as i could comprehend its significance. it eventually would have become abundantly obvious for the simple reason that i look absolutely nothing like my adoptive parents or sister. (my adoptive mother gave birth to my sister; my adoptive mother was subsequently unable to conceive a second time so my adoptive parents decided to adopt a child.) besides having light hair, light eyes and just about every other swedish characteristic known to man, i am also the only person in my immediate family who is right-handed.

if either of my biological parents completed and sent the same application that i will soon send to the department of public health we will both be contacted and furnished with each other's names and last known addresses. if neither of them has sent the form then nothing will happen.

if i receive a letter in the mail i will enjoy a feeling few people on the planet will ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

i cannot comprehend the enormity of arriving at my mom's house, ringing the doorbell, hearing footsteps, watching the door open, seeing her face and asking if she gave birth in may of 1978. i imagine that time will stop for a few moments.


if nothing else i can look her square in the eye and tell her that i turned out alright.

466

august.

the heat index will approach 110 degrees today.

i shall sleep with my face smashed against the freon vent lest i melt like the bottom scoop of rocky road on a triple decker ice cream sugar cone.